Are pesky friends being nosey about your thriving love life? Can’t tell them about the countless dates you’ve already been on with your LitHum crush (in your head)? Sick of having to roll your eyes in response to everything you’re asked during the first fortnight of February? 

Here are some fast and fun ways to respond to a rando passerby on College Walk or during marginally uncomfortable elevator rides with people you hardly know that overenthusiastically ask the infamous question: What’re you up to for Valentine’s Day!?

  1. “I’m gonna finally stop ghosting my 8:40 in Schermerhorn, you know, give them a chance in the name of love.”
  2. Channel your inner “hyper-focused Butler baddie” and just stare deeply into their soul until they get the ick and run away crying.
  3. “It’s time to work on me—I think I’m gonna see how much loose John Jay Valentine’s Day chocolate I can really stuff in all my pockets before Chef Mike himself comes to escort me off the premises.”
  4. “I’m gonna ‘accidentally’ start playing ‘We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together’ in Milstein and brunch with the first ten hotties magnetically drawn to the table.”
  5. “It’s gonna be pretty hot! My FroSci professor wants us to take a more immersive approach to back of the envelope calculations, so I’m gonna measure the circumference of the Sun. So(lar) long!”
  6. Chuckle as sinisterly as possible, go get boba from Cafe East, and proceed to re-read The Fault in Our Stars outside on Law Bridge in -10º weather just to feel something. 
  7. “I’ve been collecting my used disposable forks from John Jay and I think I’m just gonna fire them at happy people from the roof of Butler. Love (of reusing plastic materials) is in the air <3.”
  8. “I’m gonna sing ‘Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You’ on low steps and just hope someone thinks it’s for them.”
  9. Tell them that you have a special Italian man waiting for you and continue walking to Milanos to watch the H19 you ordered have more sex appeal than the entire heavyweight rowing team combined. 

These responses are 100% approved by Cupid themselves and my mom, hope they help! Remember, chocolate is cheaper on the 15th, Valentine’s Day is just a commercial hoax that turns everyone into your distant aunt at every family gathering, and someone out there loves you very much (it’s just not your LitHum crush). 

Stay safe out there kiddos. 

A Valentine for You via Bwog Archives