Because sometimes whatever BS your professor pulls isn’t enough.

Barnumbia is, like, hard. While the student councils try their best to help the general body out, sometimes you just need a nice little—or massive—bump to your grade. A bump beyond whatever statistical dark blood magic that the registrar does behind closed office doors. Below is a standardized request to the institution as a whole:

New Core Curves: 

Engineers in UW: +5%.

Humanities Students in Fro Sci: +5%.

Students who take Core midterms or finals in Pupin and are forced to hold the exam in their non-dominant hand because the attached desk is so small: +20%.

Colorblind people in Art Hum: +5%.

Students who are asked to “culturally contextualize” the non-white texts in their Lit Hum Class: just give them an A+ this is so awkward.

Philosophy Majors who are annoying in CC: -5%.

Students in Core classes who somehow connect every unit to the same idea—Wow! You’re saying Toni Morrison’s Song of Solomon is just like your Advanced Programming project? No way? Please stop! : -5% every time it is mentioned. Your grade can and will go negative. 

Aesthetic Curves:

Students who don’t wear sweatpants or sweatshirts to STEM classes: +5%.

Students who do wear sweatpants or sweatshirts to Morningside Fashion Week indie humanities classes: +5%.

Students who have to find a place to take their Zoom class every week: +5%.

Students who use Canva in class presentations: +5%.

Cursed Curves:

A Columbia man in a Barnard class: Grade curved down by whatever amount the women in the class choose.

Students in Arabic or Russian classes who give off future CIA vibes: -10%.

Students who live in doubles with roommates who chew too loud: +30%.

Students who have bad lottery numbers and have to deal with chronic psychic stress until it resolves: +15%

When someone complains that Columbia has grade inflation: +1% for every single student.

Nutritious Curves:

Students who actually eat the dining hall salads in an attempt to ward off scurvy: +10%.

Students who don’t/can’t drink coffee: +5%.

Students who don’t/can’t drink coffee but make it their entire personality: -5%.

Students who share gum: +5%.

Logistical Curves:

Students who bought the textbook in a class that never used it: +10%.

Private school students: -10%. 

Private school students who talk too much in seminar classes: Additional -5%.

Students who argue with the professor every single class: -20%.

Students in 8:40s: +50%.

Curve via Wikimedia Commons