Have you ever willingly seen a Columbia a cappella group perform? Probably not. Have you ever watched Glee? Also a probable no. Have you ever wondered what Glee characters certain Columbia a cappella groups would be? A most definite never. Nevertheless, here’s the thing you never knew you wanted…

As a self-described Gleek (derogatory), I feel morally responsible to share this list with you all. No need for thanks, just enjoy this highly accurate, completely realistic take on Columbia a cappella groups as Glee characters:

Bacchantae as Mercedes Jones. The Troubletones in real life, for sure. This group gives off vocal powerhouse vibes, but even though they might shatter glass with their voices, I get the vibe they also might “bust the windows out your car.” Anyway, as Mercedes is a fashionista, I can’t lie, their outfits pop off; however, I’ve never gotten the chance to see the fits in real life as the writers never seem to give them enough air time. They, also, look like they do too many Adele covers (and enjoy doing them); sorry not sorry.

Uptown Vocal as Artie Abrams. The, probably self-described, quirky and artsy a capella group at Columbia. (They call themselves the Cats? Really?) They seem obsessed with early 2000s/2010s hits… I wonder who that could be like? (Don’t shame me, I know this is when Glee aired. Just “roll” with it.) It’s not just this time period, but jazz and rock specifically. Need I remind anyone of Artie’s covers of “Isn’t She Lovely,” “P.Y.T.,” or “Scream”? Anyway, this group, that maybe tries a little too hard to be “different” is the outcast any show (or campus) needs.

Non Sequitur as Santana Lopez. I’m gonna be upfront, this group intimidates me. I don’t know if it’s because of how seriously they seem to take themselves, or their fire black-and-white outfits, or both. But, even though they may be super talented, and well-dressed, no matter how hard they fight for that solo, it seems to always get handed to Rachel; you never know, they could be the next star on campus. Personally, I would love for their next concert to one, be at a football game while they’re dressed in cheerleading outfits, and two, just be an endless stream of insults Santana style (maybe they’d sing “Valerie” too). Oh, and no one this well-dressed is ever straight, you probably knew that already, though.

Metrotones as Brittany S. Pierce. Ms. Pop Culture herself, Brittany could not be a better fit for this almost strictly pop-song-singing group. And, what could be more fitting than going to youtube, searching “Columbia Metrotones Britney Spears,” and finding that they had actually done a Britney Spears Medley. I must be too powerful at comparisons because, just like the Troubletones, they’re also an all-girl group. Anyhow, just like Brittany, this group isn’t just good at singing. Though, it is not dancing, like Brittany, that they’re also good at, but beatboxing. Overall, and unsurprisingly, this whole group radiates bisexual energy, too; but, again, did I need to tell you that?

SHARP as Finn Hudson. “Sexy, Smooth, Soulful, SHARP” is their slogan, and, I’m going to be real with you, an awful attempt at trying to make a cappella sound cool. Just don’t, ’cause it isn’t. Anyway, trying to make singing “cool” is exactly what Finn does, so there’s that. Also, if any football player were forced to join an a cappella group against their will, I think it’d be this one. (Take this as an insult or a compliment. I actually don’t know which one it is.) What ties this comparison up nicely, however, is the fact that I have no idea where they pull their songs from. I, genuinely, do not and will never know the songs they sing, which is pretty on par for Finn. And, sorry in advance, but they look like they can’t dance…

Notes and Keys as Rachel Berry. Something about them emphasizing that they’re the “oldest co-ed a cappella group on campus” feels like a grab at some type of superiority, the quintessential Rachel Berry aesthetic (all you’re missing is the ugly sweaters… and a never-ending list of Broadway numbers). They also perform everywhere, like all the time: Yankee Stadium, the United Nations, Dylan’s Candy Bar, Lin Manuel Miranda’s house (wait, Lin Manuel Miranda’s house?). We get it, you’re the favorite, now stop taking all of Mr. Schuester’s solos and give someone else a shot at the spotlight. Aside from the shade, I really hope they could get their hands on some audiobooks for LitHum!

Kingsmen as Blaine Anderson. THE. BLAZERS. ARE. SOMETHING. BLAINE. WOULD. WEAR. I will accept no other opinion than that these men are constantly serving the Dalton Warblers core. (Suggestion: add a sweater vest to your uniform. Just trust me on this one). Also, they’re an all-boys group… and Dalton is an all-boys school. Things are lining up perfectly. Aside from the preppy private school vibes that they give, who can lie, they’re a little fruity.

Jubilation! and Pizmon as Joe Hart. Do I even have to explain? (Yes? Ok fine.) As the only religious-ish member of the Glee cast (unless you account for Finn’s brief Grilled Cheese-us transgression), this seems like a no-brainer. Gospels, hymns, you name it, Joe has probably suggested it to the glee club. And, as a part of Glee’s God-squad, the shoe (and the comparison) just fits. Now, just don’t go disappearing on us; I hope they’re still here next season (semester).

Clefhangers as Matt Rutherford. Our season one (and then done) star! I’m going to be honest, I didn’t know this group existed (thank you Google). Anyway, to make them feel included, I decided to give them a character. To those of you who know this character (all two of you): am I wrong?

Let me know if you disagree with my choices in the comments! (But, just so you know, this take is the right one, so there should be no disagreeing.)

Glee Cast via Flickr