Squawk Squawk Squawk is my new alarm clock.

Living at Columbia in the winter, I have noticed one accessory that seems more desirable than any other: the Canada Goose jacket. I already have a perfectly serviceable jacket, so I decided that wasn’t the accessory for me. Then, last weekend, I was lounging in central park, when a giant V flew over my head. I heard one thousand squawks, and immediately knew what I had to have.

I hopped on a Citi Bike, and started chasing the flock. We were most of the way through the Bronx when they finally alighted in a field, and I knew my time had come. I dropped my bike, pulled a slice of bread from my pocket, and approached. Immediately one friendly goose waddled over to me. I fed it a piece of bread, and it began to speak to me. “Hello,” it said, “my name is Albert. Are you looking for a friend?”

“Yes indeed!” I responded.

“I’ll do it, on one condition. I need three bagels a week, and fresh.” I have recently discovered the pleasures of late afternoon purchases at Absolute, so I agreed immediately. I told him my address, and Albert agreed to meet me there after saying farewell to his family.

A few hours later, I saw Albert swoop into the McBain shaft and glide gracefully through my window. We’ve been inseparable ever since. Below are a few examples of how Albert has improved my winter:

It’s starting to get cold, but I’ve hardly even noticed. I’ve always envied just how cozy an egg looks being incubated, but now I can experience that whenever I want! I just curl up on the ground, think like an egg, and there’s Albert flapping over to be my weighted blanket. 

Albert also makes sure that I stay safe, especially with his (quite terrifying) hiss. It isn’t all hot air though: he has teeth on the sides of his tongue! Last time I got in an argument with my roommate, Albert bit his left pinkie toe off. He now hides under his blankets whenever Albert and I are around. 

Albert has also been helpful in carrying around my stuff. He can carry up to 40, which despite the lack of units I have determined to be more than the weight of my backpack. I test this most often when going up to the 6th floor of Hamilton: Albert might just barely fit through the open window, but the cloud of feathers filling the classroom is well worth not having to carry my notebook up all those flights of stairs!

Goose Blanket via Author

Albert Hissing via Wikimedia Commons

Albert Carrying Bag via Author