Did you get forced into a Secret Santa with people you don’t particularly like? Give them a passive aggressive gift!

For the academic: 

• Any of the For Dummies books.
• A style guide.
• LinkedIn Premium.
• A book on dealing with higher education and/or job rejection.
  • Even better if they haven’t received any decisions back yet!

For your single friend: 

• Mints.
• A dating app membership.
• Deodorant.
• Jesus and Other Lovers: An Intimate Memoir of a Catholic Nun.
• Teeth whitening strips.
• The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck.
  • (If prospects are looking especially bleak).

For that special lady: 

• A cookbook.
  • Especially if they’ve never shown any interest in cooking.
• Cleaning appliances (i.e. a mop, broom, or vacuum).
• Acne face cream.
• Diet soda or “reduced fat” snack food.
• A posture-correcting sports bra.
• Makeup or nail polish.
  • (Only if you’re a man gifting the item).
• Eyebrow clippers. 
• A push-up bra or bra inserts.
  • Wow, way to instill years of insecurity in a single moment! Go you.

For the problematic: 

• Tantrum journals.
• A charity donation.
  • The more materialistic they are, the better.
• The European cigarettes with the decaying teeth packaging.
• Anger management workbooks.
• Sage.
• How To Be A Gentleman.
• A comprehensive list of all the laws in your city.
  • Because they’re a “history buff,” not so you can say I warned you next time they land themselves in jail.
• A book on empathy.

For the mentally ill: 

• A self-help book.
• A gift card to Talkspace or BetterHelp. 
• The Chill The F* Out™ Apothékary blend.
• A seasonal depression lamp.
• Anxiety relief lotion.
• Marie Kondo’s The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.
• The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
  • (In high school, my mom actually made me read the teen version of this book as an alternative to therapy. Thanks, Mom!)
• A motivational water bottle.

Gifts via Bwarchives