So, everything’s going wrong and you can’t figure out the cause? Look no further, folks. You’re welcome in advance.

This godforsaken school can be too much. I know this. You know this. Even the rats outside of JJ’s know this. But sometimes you just can’t quite pinpoint which “sensory input” is causing you to truly lose your mind! To help avoid this, I’ve compiled a checklist of terrible things that may be the root of your problems. Let’s stop that overstimulated freakout before it causes you to scream at an innocent tour group!

• Did you almost roll an ankle outside of Milbank because they got wonky bricks?

• Did the water pressure in your communal shower suddenly and mysteriously change so now it feels like you’re a criminal being hosed down every time you try to shower?

• Did you take your laundry out of the dryer only to find that your clothes were not dry at all? In a fit of anger and exhaustion did you then lug the wet clothes back to your room? Did you resign yourself to taking your wet clothes out of your hamper and then hanging them all over your room and hoping that they dried by the time you came back? Were they not dry when you came back so now your room is just covered in wet clothes? Is it possible that they are wetter now than when you left?

• Is your roommate still on Facetime with her mom? It’s two in the morning, Savannah. Stop complaining about the wet laundry all over our room. This is our life now.

• Did someone mention something about a frat earlier and you had to pretend that you knew anything about Barnumbia’s social life to seem cooler than you actually are? One of them is called Beta, right?

• Did you have to walk past a group of students blowing their cigarette smoke at you because they’re too preoccupied with being the main character to be respectful of passersby?

• Was the person sitting next to you in class watching Gilmore Girls on their laptop? Did they not have the subtitles on so now you have a headache from trying to read Rory’s lips for an hour and fifteen minutes?

• Did your friends want to go to Hewitt so you had to eat beans and rice for dinner?

• Did a group of theater kids take over your study space in Milstein? Do you now have a vested interest in whatever is going on with KCST’s Antony and Cleopatra just because you were eavesdropping on their conversation instead of doing your Pset?

• Are you still thinking about that one Sidechat argument about the M60 bus?

• Did you read a particularly irritating Bwog article written by someone who doesn’t even know the names of the frats here? Jokes on you. I love Delta Nu!

You guys, probably via Wikimedia Commons