Two Californians and a Texan take on New England winter for the first time. 

We the people of Non-New England are so damn cold. We hold these truths to be self-evident that it’s fucking freezing, and that all puffers are not created equal. There are many things to be appalled by from the many surprises stored in this great city. But at the top of our list is this fucking cold weather. Sometimes we just want to put on old faithful Mariah Carey and pretend we’re in our winter wonderland. It is only October, but the seasons are a-changing. There are literally only two yellow leaves on each tree, but we’re feeling chills in the air, omens of what is to come. 

Here is our lament to the dramatic ass weather changes, and our longing for the weather of our hometowns where our families are still experiencing 90º weather at this time of year. 

Crispy Air

Crisp like a honey crisp. No red delicious air over here. Every breath cleanses your lungs; like every time we take a breath to calm midterm anxiety, it hits like drinking water after chewing mint gum. Wintergreen really is winter, huh. Why can we see our breath… we promise we’re not vaping …

How do I dress?

Is it socially acceptable to pull out the big puffers already? How does one layer? The outside is a tundra but Butler is always hot. What do we do?? Do we just have to carry around at least three layers at all times? Can we wear earmuffs or is that tourist shit? What about scarves… or gloves? Do we even own a pair? How does one dress cute and warm, like, please give suggestions. There are only so many sweaters in our closets, and if we pull out a trench coat, it gives Sherlock Holmes and the detective from Pink Panther.

Weather app LIES

We don’t trust it. No way it’s only 55º Fahrenheit. Why is the actual temperature different from what it feels like? Does the water actually become solid? Is it possible to ice skate to Lady Liberty? Wondering how her copper skin is doing in these conditions. Someone get her a puffer please. @NYCgovernment @EricAdams

Wind chill

The quad entrance is so windy and for what? We’re just trying to take refuge in our rooms! What is a wind tunnel anyway?!? Can a physics person please explain? What do you mean it’s gonna get colder? We’re fighting for our lives against this hurricane blizzard, trying to get to the one open gate on Broadway. It’s like Dorothy in the tornado. but at least for her that occurred during SUMMER in KANSAS and it was WARM. Wicked revival goes crazy. 

Daytime to Nighttime

We’re really out here living on two different planets. Sitting out on the lawn for lunch is quite pleasant, but as soon as the sun goes down, the temperature gets cut in half. We’re busy, and going back to the dorms is hard! Are we supposed to go about our day, coats in hand just to prepare for the freezing night? It’s like lugging around a heavy, useless sack all day only to use it for three seconds on the way back from our 7 pm class. Did Santa give us a bagful of coal in October just to keep us warm?

How are y’all doing this????

To the girl in a mini skirt, fuck you. We are out here freezing our asses off and you have the audacity to look cute in these conditions??? Please go back and change. You are making us feel bad. But go off girl ig. 

Yet without fail, we’ll still get our little iced drinks and suffer the consequences.

Ninth circle of hell via Bwarchives