It’s time for paparazzi, not NBC.

One of my best friends goes to Southern Illinois University and thought it prudent to tell me that my personal hero, Dan Povenmire (voice of Dr Doofenshmirtz in the hit animated series Phineas and Ferb) was coming to her school to give a talk. On my birthday. 

Now, that got me thinking and raging about how unfair it is that Dan Povenmire never visits Columbia, but why stop there? There are a lot of people that could visit us and don’t. I am aware that there are always politicians and news outlets on campus (especially lately) but I’m talking about people who should speak to us for the sole reason of fun. I want to learn very little from these guests. I only want a selfie and a laugh, okay? So here’s an unranked and nonexhaustive list of speakers who I want on campus immediately.

  1. Hank Green

In addition to the fact that I am a huge fan, I think that Hank Green’s presence would be a good vibe cleanser for most of the students here. Maybe people in STEM don’t have to spend their entire semester studying and can return to the whimsy of science that Hank Green encapsulates. Plus, I’d like a refresher on what he had to say about why humans can’t eat grass. I feel like they should be able to eat grass.

  1. Adam Driver

I don’t have any good reason as to what Columbia students would gain from attending a talk by Adam Driver, but I do know that he’s on Broadway right now and is therefore, only a short train ride away! I’m not sure what he’d say to us, but I do know that the tickets to his event would run out immediately.

  1. Brittany Broski

This may be the guest that I’m most passionate about coming to visit us. I’m okay with all of our club allocations being slashed even more than usual to pay for Brittany Broski to do a live Broski Report for us. Especially for Barnard students! Have you met a single one who doesn’t at least occasionally tune in to the podcast? No way. Brittany, please. We need you.

  1. Rachel Zegler

Back to the Broadway line of reasoning, Rachel Zegler is also mere minutes away from campus! Come visit the GMT, Rachel. You are truly the modern theater student’s idol.

  1. Ashley Tisdale

Fine. We didn’t get Dan Povenmire on campus. However, that doesn’t mean that we can’t get The Ashley Tisdale, AKA Candace Flynn, AKA Maddie Fitzpatrick, AKA Sharpay Evans on campus. I feel like we deserve it. 

It’s time to switch up our current ideas of who we should be inviting to speak at Columbia. I only want guests who would make sidechat go crazy from now on. For class elections please note that I’m only voting for students who make this a major part of their platform. What is your plan to get Brittany Broski in the Diana Event Oval?

Hank Green, Brittany Broski, and Adam Driver via Anjali Mignone