Staff Writer Zora Day-Friedland ventured into the bowels of Diana this Monday to have a supremely wacky time at XMAS!19. The show was directed by Kieran Lomboy (CC ’26) and Evan Rossi (CC ’26), and written by Morgan Johns (GS ’26) and Sebastian Bader (CC ’26).

What could be better than watching a show about Scientology that also includes lesbians and a tap number? Nothing. That’s why, for the 19th year in a row, XMAS! continues to be everyone’s favorite nondenominational Christmas musical, bringing laughs, gasps, and the occasional urge to invade Poland.

XMAS!19 transports the audience to Amsterdam in the early 1600s, where the abundance of religions—Catholicism, Judaism, Wicca, and devil worship(??)—leads to major tension between the townsfolk. After a brief introduction from the Ghost of Marcel Proust (Jonathan Pankauski, SEAS PhD), the show kicks off with a scene between Krampus (Stella Turowsky-Ganci, CC ’28) and Robert Tangier (Wren Pfetcher, BC ’27). Krampus—if you don’t already have extensive knowledge of European folklore—is a half-goat half-man whose personality bears close resemblance to the devil. If, of course, the devil had a vague Brooklyn accent and was dressed in a goat onesie. 

Krampus explains to Robert that in order to pay him back for the gift of eternal life, he must create a religion so powerful that everyone will follow it. Once Robert creates this religion, Krampus will take it over and rule all of Amsterdam. This may have been a little hard to follow, but what good college theater production has a plotline that you can fully understand?

Then the full ensemble comes on, and the magic of XMAS! truly begins. A rousing song about drama between the religious groups highlights the cast’s dancing ability and just how well they interact with one another. In this number, we are introduced to Maria Van Till, played by the incredibly talented Leticia G. Valdetaro (BC ’27). Maria is a down-on-her-luck painter who is constantly comparing herself to the much more successful Rembrandt. She is just unhappy enough that when Robert tries to persuade her to start a new religion, she agrees. Her religion catches on almost immediately, and barring a brief moment of doubt, Maria embraces her newfound leadership. She names her creation Scientology.

For the sake of time, I’m going to condense the rest of the plot. After a power struggle, Maria ends up murdered by an angry member of another religious group. This leads to Olbracht Laski, a Polish nobleman played by the endlessly hilarious Brooks Gillespie (BC ’25), taking over Scientology. His main character trait is that he is very enthusiastic about invading Poland. Like, VERY enthusiastic. Also, tin foil hats are introduced.

Meanwhile, the Rabbis are trying to craft the perfect cookie recipe so they can make Hanukkah as hype as Christmas. Don’t worry they figure it out. At some point, The Night Watch Captain played by the incredibly versatile Amelia Thomas (BC ’27) performs an operatic aria. This show really does have it all. Then Olbracht decides that in order for Scientology to stay in power, they must kill the Pope. But the Pope is thinking the same thing. The Pope decides to team up with Krampus to execute his bloody plan. To solidify this partnership they perform an impressive and frankly sexually charged tap number that left the crowd howling. 

Then, after being thrown out of town for her distrust of Scientology, Clea Stiveson, Maria’s friend played by the lovely Eden Johnson (BC ’25), discovers that Maria is alive. After some much-needed lesbian tension between the two, Maria marches into town to take back Scientology. But she finds that Olbracht will not relinquish his power easily. Clea tries to explain to Maria that she doesn’t need Scientology and professes her undying love for her. They kiss, and everyone cheers.

Then comes the climax of the show, a massive fight scene choreographed by Melañia Horowitz (CC ’26). From seemingly real punches and slaps to cast members playing rock paper scissors in a particularly aggressive manner, Horowitz made this scene a real treat. 

Spoiler alert, they all die. It turns out religious drama almost always ends in bloodshed. Who knew! But Robert and Krampus remain. Then Robert unveils his secret plan to Krampus and the audience. Without subjects to believe in Krampus, he ceases to exist, leaving Robert in charge. This dramatic last-minute twist certainly left me shocked. Robert finishes his monologue by grabbing a black and white cookie from the ground—the Rabbi’s long-awaited invention—biting into it and strolling offstage. 

As you can see XMAS! was a blast. But it wasn’t just the actors that made it so delightful. I was blown away by the musicianship, dancing, and overall creativity. The music written by Eshan Kabir (CC ’27) and Hayley Lugg (GS ’24.5) was whimsical and funny, and the pit was fantastic. The choreographer Molly Hahn (SEAS ’27) made great use of the space and had me cackling at the dancing jesters.

This is all to say that XMAS!19 was an exciting and hilarious time featuring great performances, music, and historical deep cuts. I only wish they gave out free black-and-white cookies…

P.S. This headline is not clickbait. If you need to reach me, contact Tom Cruise. We are now best friends.

XMAS! via Bwog Staff