The most titillating part of every Columbia student’s experience.

The most fabulous thing about Columbia is the sheer number of internet celebrities we harbor. We have, among many others, Lily Chee, Skyelar Chase, and Amelie Zilber. What other Ivy can say the same? Forget the princes and princesses, the old money, the actors, the nepo babies, we missed out on Baron Trump (NYU got him), but it’s fine, because we possess the most exciting group of all: the influencers. They are truly the pride and joy of Columbia. They are one of the only reasons remaining to have school spirit. 

This fact makes walking around campus thrilling; you never know who you are going to pass. That girl, who is a complete and total stranger, yet whose life you know so intimately because of her TikToks, is passing within a foot of you at the steps of Hamilton. Or she’s on College Walk, talking with her friends; perhaps she’s eating an omelet at Community. Moments like these truly emphasize the absurdity of social media. She knows nothing about you, but you know, or at least feel you know, everything about her. You recognize the bag she wears, the jeans. You’re staring. She looks at you from the corner of her eye. What a creep you are—no better than a man on the street. You’re a crazed fan. She can tell. She is judging. Her mouth draws into a disdainful frown. There is a fraction of a second of eye contact.

These interactions compose the high points of my Columbia career. I can’t think of any other school that would allow for such frequent, strange, parasocial experiences. They have evolved into a form of bonding amongst the student body; everyone has a story about their own exhilarating encounter. Your friend leans over and whispers, “I saw her at Wu and Nuss,” or notes with subtle pride, “I ate pancakes next to her table at Le Monde,” or, in a large group, gloats, “she was in my class last semester (a cool shrug), she seemed nice.”

The Influencer could be anywhere. You must stay prepared at all times, so that you can graduate with a bragging point of your own. Many years later, when you run into another Columbia alum, they are sure to inquire: “Did you ever see one of the, uh…?” A mundane story will suffice; you will look at each other and solemnly nod; there is no more suspicion—you certainly both share the same Alma Mater.

Of course, most of the time, the Influencer is nowhere to be seen; this is what makes a spotting so special. When she’s not on a private jet to Tokyo, London, or Paris, keep an eye out. You might just be able to score a brief moment of awkward eye contact.

Image via Shutterstock