A step-by-step how-to that’ll make you the center of attention you’ve always deserved to be!

It’s been a couple months since Columbia’s Performative Male contest, but wherever I go, its shadow seems to follow me. Whether I’m watching someone read a copy of Joan Didion’s The White Album upside down or whisking matcha with a tarot deck spread out in front of them, it lingers. Well, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!

Step 1: The Outfit

You’ll need a pair of baggy trousers, a pair of mustard yellow sneakers (you know the ones), and a long-sleeve shirt layered under a graphic tee. Your graphic tee choice is extremely important, and can make or break your entire outfit. It needs to be vintage, and it needs to be an obscure band’s discontinued merchandise. 

Step 2: The Accessories

These are imperative if you want to solidify your performative status. You’ll need a pair of wireless headphones (of course), a tote bag (I recommend a Barnard tote bag for maximum impact), a digital or film camera, a backwards snapback hat, a silk bandana ’round your neck, a corduroy jacket, and most importantly…

Step 3: The (Preferably Feminist) Literature

…some literature recommended to you by a peer that you pretend to be enthusiastic about, but never actually get around to reading! A few suggestions I have for you are:

• Anything by Jane Austen, honestly.
• Anything by bell hooks.
• The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath.
• 1984 by George Orwell.
• One of your required readings for the Core would work too.

Bonus points if you strike up a conversation about whatever you’re reading with an unsuspecting stranger.

Grab your drink of choice (Blue Bottle matcha is great!), put your thick-framed sunglasses on, and go forth, soldier. The world is your playground!

Matcha via Bwog Archives