You’d think the worst crime Elizabeth committed was fraud, but after 2 hours and 54 minutes, I’m convinced it was marrying Billy Evans.

This review is dedicated to all the young entrepreneurs and STEM students on Columbia’s campus, as a reminder of what NOT to do when building a business. Let Elizabeth Holmes serve as a cautionary tale about the reality behind misleading investors, deceiving millions of people, and choosing a spouse who has access to your Twitter password.

Although Elizabeth has spent years perfecting the art of convincing people to believe her, and Nathan Fielder has spent years perfecting the art of getting people to reveal more than they intended, somehow neither can compete with Billy Evans and his particular brand of psychological warfare.

Apparently, Billy took the documentary’s invitation to reveal all a little too literally, leaving very little to imagination, both in his horrific personality and the family-sized baguette he’s been carrying around. Judging by the full-frontal shower scene, I have a little extra respect for Elizabeth and can finally understand why she’s stayed with him. Even Nathan seemed momentarily entranced by the sheer size of Billy’s tall tool. Unfortunately, the moment he opens his mouth, his one redeeming quality starts to lose its appeal.

Billy being a Charlie Kirk fan was, somehow, the least surprising revelation of the entire film. He exhibits all the classic signs: narcissistic, egotistical, and painfully insecure in his own masculinity. Shown in his incessant need to dictate every aspect of Elizabeth’s life. Even as she prepares to go to prison, he seems more interested in acquiring knowledge from her luscious big brain than getting lost in her dazzling baby blues. He repeatedly treats their marriage like a business opportunity rather than a genuine partnership. Billy even goes as far as exploiting her notoriety, using her public image, name, and platform for personal profit and to advance his own agenda.

And yet, despite all of this, Elizabeth seems perfectly content to let him call the shots. Her willingness to submit to his control makes me wonder just how good the D must be to successfully manipulate a so-called genius. Clearly, Billy falls short in the brains, looks, and likability departments, so his very full package must be carrying the deadweight of his personality. My guess is he knows exactly how to put that particular gift to work, though Elizabeth’s head has clearly paid the price one too many times.

Readers, remember that headboard action may seem fun in the moment, but judging by Elizabeth’s increasingly questionable self-respect, it seems to have come at the expense of her cognitive abilities. Once she returns home from prison, she should consider investing in a padded headboard and, perhaps more importantly, leaving her narcissistic husband for a certain hot director named Nathan Fielder. I know I wasn’t the only one who saw sparks fly. #Ship

Although Elizabeth Holmes promised to revolutionize blood testing, the only things this documentary successfully exposed were her painfully awkward attempts at flirting with Nathan, her husband’s limber limb, and his endless supply of red flags. So, to all the aspiring entrepreneurs and overworked STEM majors at Columbia, please take Elizabeth Holmes as the ultimate example of what not to do. And learn from her mistakes: when the opportunity presents itself, always smash Nathan Fielder. No hesitation.

Image Via Financial Times