I have often been haunted by the mystery of what is going on with the woman on the left’s interesting “hat”, dominating the blow-up photograph in Lerner 510, feat. Levi. 

I am tired of mulling over it at 3 am every single night and thusly have decided to solve this great enigma. 

(Disclaimer: these are deeply scientific hypotheses backed up with years of academic research in Schapiro) 

• A tray of delicious jam tarts from the Sunday farmers market on Broadway;
• An extraterrestrial satellite that allows her to communicate with the Ivy League Martians on the moon;
• A small helipad for the trustifarian kids to land their preferred vehicle of choice;
• A horizontal dartboard stolen from Furnald;
• A portable sinkhole that allows Columbia graduates to access an alternate dimension where the Lions win every football game against Princeton;
• A thin slice of cheese taken from Ferris;
• A one-off $100 coin from 1894 that has John Jay’s face on it;
• The president of the college’s very flat steering wheel;
• Anna Wintour’s personal headpiece worn during Will and Kate’s 2012 wedding;
• A rare mushroom literally growing out of her head; 

I hope this has shed some light on such a troubling topic. Maybe, like me, you will be able to sleep better now there are some plausible options for what this object is.