I have often been haunted by the mystery of what is going on with the woman on the left’s interesting “hat”, dominating the blow-up photograph in Lerner 510, feat. Levi. 

I am tired of mulling over it at 3 am every single night and thusly have decided to solve this great enigma. 

(Disclaimer: these are deeply scientific hypotheses backed up with years of academic research in Schapiro) 

  • A tray of delicious jam tarts from the Sunday farmers market on Broadway;
  • An extraterrestrial satellite that allows her to communicate with the Ivy League Martians on the moon;
  • A small helipad for the trustifarian kids to land their preferred vehicle of choice;
  • A horizontal dartboard stolen from Furnald;
  • A portable sinkhole that allows Columbia graduates to access an alternate dimension where the Lions win every football game against Princeton;
  • A thin slice of cheese taken from Ferris;
  • A one-off $100 coin from 1894 that has John Jay’s face on it;
  • The president of the college’s very flat steering wheel;
  • Anna Wintour’s personal headpiece worn during Will and Kate’s 2012 wedding;
  • A rare mushroom literally growing out of her head; 

I hope this has shed some light on such a troubling topic. Maybe, like me, you will be able to sleep better now there are some plausible options for what this object is.