Local sorcerer Alexander Keefe has solved the mystery of the Ferris potato thumbtack!

Name, School, Major, Hometown:
Alexander Keefe, CC, Anthropology, Dousman, Wisconsin
Claim to fame:
Most powerful undergraduate sorcerer at Columbia. Once drank on the roof of St. Paul’s Chapel with my best friend (Shout out to Hannah!) and the boy I was in love with at the time (shout out to Doug! lol). A few years ago, I took a really tasteful nude in Riverside Park and had fifty copies printed all nice and fancy-like at Duane Reade. I signed each one and handed them out as gifts at my birthday party. Then some other friends and I hid the leftovers inside of Butler. They remain there to this day.

Where are you going?
Trying to ascend to godhood by July (fingers crossed, homies!), but if that doesn’t work out, I’m moving into an old lighthouse on the coast of Scotland. I’ll get a few dogs, a few cats, all the birds will know who I am. Plant some flowers, wander the heath. Then one day, some plucky lad will roll by on a bike and we will fall in love. Where am I going? Please, send me towards simplicity.

What are 3 things you learned at Columbia and would like to share with the Class of 2024?

1. There is no higher pleasure than eating alone. Don’t be afraid to do it, don’t be afraid to do it often. Don’t be afraid to do it three times a day at JJ’s like an absolute monster.
2. Everyone’s an idiot until you realize you’re an idiot: then you’re a… I mean, you’re still an idiot, but at least you’re self-aware! Once you realize that there’s no such thing as the smartest person in the room, you’re gonna stop being uselessly clever and start doing good work.
3. Your professors just want to talk to you! Pop into office hours as much as possible, even if your question seems silly, even if you don’t have any questions at all! Show up, it’s worth it, and tbh it’s an easy way to make a new friend.

“Back in my day…”
The Pigeons of Columbia account was still active. and Amigos was still here… RIP Amigos.

Favorite Columbia controversy?
Who put the thumbtack in the potatoes!! Martin Shkreli

What was your favorite class at Columbia?
Magic and Sorcery with Professor Taussig, he’s a kook and a genius. Audra Simpson’s Native America is also astounding – any Indigenous Studies classes you can take with Professor Simpson in the Anthro department is absolutely worth it. Art Hum is a fucking banger. I had crushes on like everyone in my Art Hum class, but that might have been because everyone looks kinda hot on the vertical tour of the cathedral.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese?
Oral sex is overrated. I don’t really like receiving blow jobs. I get nervous that the other person is just, like, blowing me because they feel like they have to, and then it’s not enjoyable anymore. There’s one notable exception to this rule, he probably knows who he is. Anyway, I’m giving up cheese because I just had a terrifying vision of having to do more strenuous forms of intercourse every time my lover – well, you get the point. Goodbye cheese, hello convenient sex.

Whom would you like to thank?
Everyone who has ever liked one of my tweets (follow me: @alexanderjkeats). That one random Spanish woman who gave me a magic rosary and told me the Virgin Mary had chosen me to be her emissary on the mortal plane. I didn’t really have the confidence to speak up in class before then, afterwards I was like ‘ah fuck it, Mary’s got my back.’ Live your life like a goddess thinks you’re her Chosen One.

One thing to do before graduating:
Get drunk in the stacks. Vandalize all the Ayn Rand books.

Any regrets?
I should’ve gone clubbing more. I wish I had learned I was hot, like actually hot, earlier. I should’ve done ALL my reading at Hungarian.