Realizing you’re wasting your money on a useless education from a corrupt institution? Here’s how that money could be better spent.

The average cost of a year spent studying at Columbia University is $79,752.00, or a whopping $319,008.00 for a four-year degree. This immense bill has prompted many Columbians to ask if this is really the best way to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars. Our consensus? No, no it is not. Here are five cooler, more useful, and just plain better ways to spend that hard-earned dough.

1). A Private Island (Or Two, Or Three, Or Four): $306,671.00

What’s better than losing sleep, friends, and years of your life to a diluted degree in a bullshit field? How about four private islands? That’s right, there’s nothing stopping you from becoming the proud owner of Round Island ($58,647.00) and Half Island ($59,024.00) in Nova Scotia, as well as La Cornelia Island ($90,000.00) in Nicaragua, and Naomi Island ($99,000.00) right here on the Hudson River! That’s a combined land area of nearly half the size of Columbia’s campus for $12,000.00 less than a degree! So if you were trying to break into the field of Bond Villainy, now might be your best chance.

2). 71,655 Smucker’s Uncrustable Sandwiches: $319,000.00

If becoming the dictator of your own island chain sounds a bit Machiavellian for your taste, perhaps consider this folksier alternative. We all love their squishy bread and gooey diabetes-inducing filling, so who wouldn’t want their very own endless supply of nostalgia discs? Coming in at $0.84 per ounce on Amazon and with each sandwich weighing just over five ounces, your college fund can get you 21.5 years’ worth of Uncrustables, assuming you eat nothing else for your 2,000 calorie day. And with that diet, it’s safe to assume that 21.5 years of PB&J is a lifetime supply.

3). A House: $226,800.00

So you’re boring and would rather have a roof over your head than a belly full of happiness? Fine. Lucky for you, academia is the only industry artificially inflating its value more quickly than housing. Lucky as well that no one can afford to buy a home anymore, so you have your pick of the lot! With Zillow’s average listing price for a home nearly $100,000.00 less than your degree, don’t worry about splurging a bit when it comes to that extra bathroom, extra guest bedroom, or extra white neighborhood.

4). 5.8 Bitcoins: $316,549.50

Depending on your worldview, this is either the single smartest or single stupidest investment you could make right now. When the global trading market collapses, Bitcoin will either be our sole mode of facilitating the exchange of goods and services, or it will be about as valuable as a gold bar in the middle of the Sahara Desert. But one thing is for certain: when the global trading market collapses, your degree won’t be worth anything either. So why not just trade a bunch of fake money for a bunch of different fake money?

5). A Counterfeit Diploma: $20.00

Okay, fine. Let’s say, even after seeing all of the cool stuff you can buy instead, you still think a degree is worthwhile. That doesn’t mean you have to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars and years of your valuable time to get one. There are plenty of independent creators committed to helping you commit fraud over the internet. Sure fraud isn’t the most morally upright thing in the world, but if you’re giving business to a struggling artist in the process, that’s okay in my book! Just remember, not all con artists are created equal. Since this is by far the cheapest option, it might be a good idea to splurge on someone who won’t just Photoshop a diploma but will actually hack into the school’s records and add you to their list of esteemed graduates. No one wants to get Jeff Wingered, caught faking a bachelor’s degree from Columbia.

Disclaimer: Neither Bwog nor the author endorse engaging in fraudulent behavior. At the very least, we don’t endorse getting caught. Don’t be an idiot.

Photo of stacks of cash via Bwarchives

Photo of an island via Wikimedia Commons

Photo of a Smucker’s Uncrustable via Wikimedia Commons

Photo of a house via Bwarchives

Photo of Bitcoin mining apparatus via Bwarchives

Photo of a classic Columbia University diploma via Wikimedia Commons