Wondering who might be the 2023 Bacchanal headliner? So are we!

At CU Bacchanal’s Battle of the Bands, a couple of potential clues for this year’s headliner were shared, setting the amateur sleuths here at Bwog down a rabbit hole. First was a cryptic address, 1727 Bedford Ave, which appears to point to a mysterious Burger King near Prospect Park in Brooklyn. The other was a first guess at Wordle; the guess was “APRIL,” with the first and third letters highlighted in yellow.

What could this possibly mean? Here are our best guesses:

Drake

Guys, listen. I know. I know it’s unlikely. I know Bacchanal can’t afford Drake. I know he’s too famous to play a college concert. But, despite it all, it is definitely Drake. His name fits with the Wordle hint. According to Google, he has been to Brooklyn at least once, so the address hint works, too. These are my only two pieces of true evidence, but just trust me, I know for a fact it will be Drake. I can feel it in the air. He’s gonna shave a little Columbia crown into his hair—like he did with a heart—and he’s gonna show this student body just what Bacchanal can be.

Yung Gravy

He fits within the Wordle clue and he is probably within the Bacchanal budget.

Kesha

It has five letters so it kind of fits the Wordle clue and apparently there is someone named Kesha that lives (or works) on Bedford Ave. 

Ice Spice

No justification here, only pure hope.

Charli XCX

Does not fit with the Wordle clue, and she is WAY too big for Bacchanal. I just want to predict her because I need a win for myself, and she notoriously will do anything music-wise for a check. Hot girls want Charli, baby!

Arca

I just am bad at counting to five and just went for the “AR” hint from the wordle clue. IDK, people on campus seem to be into Arca.

Cardi B

It doesn’t fit the Wordle but she’s from New York—need I say more? Cardi herself has stated that the minimum she’ll perform for is $300,000. According to Google, 31,455 people attend Columbia. If Columbia increases tuition by $9.50, then a Cardi performance pays for itself! 

Grace Ives

Does anybody even know who she is? No, which is why she’ll probably perform at Bacchanal. Her name fits the Wordle, she’s from Brooklyn, and she released new music in 2022. 

Björk

PLEASE OH PLEASE LET IT BE HER. She would only cater to a very small subset of the Columbia population but we need her to perform. Besides, she lives in Brooklyn, is currently on tour, and has a daughter of college age. How hard would it be to stop by for one little performance?

Lana Del Rey

Brooklyn… “Brooklyn Baby” … no further comments.

The WHOPPER WHOPPER WHOPPER WHOPPER Guy

Whopper, Whopper, Whopper, Whopper, Junior, Double, Triple Whopper, flame-grilled taste with perfect toppers, I rule this day. Lettuce, Mayo, Pickle, Ketchup, it’s okay if I don’t want that. Impossible or Bacon Whopper, any Whopper my way. You rule, you’re seizin’ the day, at BK, have it your way. You rule!

Header via Bwog Archives

Battle of the Bands clues via Bwog Staff