A Bwogger recounts her experience handling immense loss during the college semester, and offers advice for those processing similar situations needing support.

In 2025, my time as a Columbia student was deeply affected by the deaths of two major people in my life. One was anticipated, as my grandmother was sick with dementia for many years. I left home for my sophomore spring semester knowing that, due to her declining health, it would most likely be the last time I would see her. During finals week of my junior fall, I received a horrible call from a close friend at home that our dear mutual friend passed away from a sudden car accident. 

It was impossible to remain a normal college student and begin to process these life altering and tragic events. Below is my personal story of navigating both my grief and my ongoing responsibilities as a student. I’ve included information I wish I knew about advocating and taking care of myself during a time where I felt immense pressure to keep going without knowing how. 

If you are finding yourself in a similar position of immense loss, please know you are not alone. There are so many people here at Columbia to support you, but they won’t be able to unless you reach out. I understand deeply how difficult that is, so I write this article with hopes that I can explain what said process looks like. At the bottom is a TLDR with a summary of more general advice for undergraduate students dealing with the death of a loved one during the academic term. 

It is fairly common for students to lose a grandparent during their time in college, so much so that I have read about professors debating if they should trust their students when they claim needs for extensions or excused absences based on such. The below tweet sparked this article, which features various perspectives. 

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

— Viorica Marian (@VioricaMarian1) May 5, 2018

I had no idea how to start writing emails nobody hopes to ever have to write. One of my friends offered help, as I knew I would have to let my professors know I’d be going home for a week for her memorial service and other family events. While I still tried to go to class, I let my professors know I might not be as talkative or present. 

In a time like this, it’s okay to not know what you need. I asked my professors what we could work out, as it was the middle of the semester and I had assignments due which suddenly seemed impossible. For the most part, they were very understanding. Some wanted me to talk in person, a little daunting as for one professor I had never met her before outside of class. But this was important so that we could work out together what my time off would look like, and how I could catch up. 

In addition, I reached out to my advisor, where I sent her the obituary and briefly let her know what happened. She asked me to come visit her office, and I found this immensely helpful. She didn’t expect me to talk too much, but walked me through what I could expect for the next few weeks. She also emailed my professors, and asked me to come back if I was having issues getting extensions or excused absences. Most of all, she assured me to breathe, and that I shouldn’t worry about school. The work would be caught up with, and focusing too much on that would have really harmed my grieving process. 

Ten months later, at the end of the following semester, I received the earth-shattering news that one of my close friends at home, someone who I always assumed I’d see each break, had unexpectedly passed. I got the call while working in a classroom with my friends, at the end of reading week. I had a final paper due at the end of the weekend, and a final on the following Tuesday. 

At first I was in so much shock that all I could do was cry in the stairwell while calling my mom. A public safety officer actually found me and gave me a hug which was nice, but I didn’t know where to go from there. While I expected to need time off for my grandmother’s passing, I could never have anticipated this. That weekend I remained in a sort of limbo, sort working on my paper, telling myself I just wanted to get through it and go home. It was only upon submitting a horrific draft, after the Sunday 11:59 pm deadline, in which I realized nobody should expect this of me, and I shouldn’t expect it of myself. 

Writing those emails was even more difficult, but I tried to explain the situation and my shock to each professor, and asked for extensions. Similarly, I reached out to my advisor, who again was able to provide the support she could. I was worried there wouldn’t be as much understanding, considering this wasn’t an immediate family member, but it was clear this was someone who mattered deeply to me. She emailed all my professors, and suddenly the two-day extension offered for my final paper turned into an indefinite one. She explained that I could try to coordinate taking the exam over break, or I could take an incomplete in the class and take it in the spring. My advisor was very helpful in laying out the options, which led me to make the informed decision with my professor to take the exam virtually over break. There would be more paperwork for both of us to deal with an incomplete. Thankfully, I was able to then leave earlier than anticipated, and attend her service without worrying about my finals. In the coming weeks, I took everything very slowly, until eventually I got the exam and paper over with. I was so close to just showing up to the exam and trying to get the paper over with, but I am really grateful I didn’t follow through with that. 

In addition, I was able to get continued support through Columbia Psychological Services, which may be my favorite office on campus. They’re available for every student, and deeply understand what it’s like to be a student at Columbia navigating these sort of challenges. Reflecting on my tumultuous year, I could have never anticipated the feelings which would come from these events. Dealing with that was amplified by my responsibilities as a student, but in times like these those responsibilities can wait. Asking for help and time off allowed me to actually feel and process my grief, instead of pushing it away to take some exam. Although part of me just wanted to power through, I am grateful I took the steps to ask for help, no matter how lost I felt in those moments.  

In summary, asking for help is not a weakness. I kept looking up if there was any procedure for my situation, and there really isn’t, but support is here for you. If you are lost on where to start, I understand how hard it is to write those emails. Nobody prepares you for that. Below is a template of sorts from an email I sent to my advising dean. From there, they can guide you through what the rest of the semester will look like based on your needs and situation, and they will advocate for you in terms of communicating with professors. I think the culture here makes it easy to try and keep your head down and power through, but even though your world as a student may be all consuming, the rest of your life matters so much too. It’s okay and more than understandable to need time off. No situation is the same, but you are not expected to manage this sort of grief alone. CPS can be reached at (212) 854-2878 to book appointments, and you can even call after hours for situations like this in which you need immediate support. 

Email template:

I hope this message finds you well. I wanted to inform you that ____ passed away. I am reaching out because I am navigating [exams / classes / final deadlines] while grieving, and I wanted to let you know what’s happening. I haven’t really been sure how to go about this, as I am nowhere near my normal abilities.

I have contacted my professors about extensions and accommodations. I could still [take the exam] but I don’t have much confidence in my ability to study or perform as normal. Would there be any other options regarding my attendance and participation?

I wanted to keep you in the loop and see if there are any additional resources or things you’d recommend for me to do during this time, and if you could reach out to the professors as well. 

Thank you for your support.

Header via Bwog Archives