The school says yes, but the people want to know!

Like clockwork, the beginning and end of every semester features one very tiring theme: Sidechat posts with hundreds of upvotes arguing, and sometimes attempting to definitively prove, that Barnard is not part of Columbia. (The truth is that Columbia claims Barnard when it’s convenient, and calls it an “affiliated” school when it isn’t.) Barnard is indeed an official college of Columbia University, and all tenured Barnard professors are also tenured at Columbia. It’s surely undeniable that Barnard is part of the Columbia community.

In the wild, I’ve never encountered a real Barnard hater—most Columbia students I’ve met wholeheartedly accept those of Barnard amongst their ranks—but clearly they exist, living in stealth. I set out to find one to try to understand their perspective. Below is an interview with Joe Columbia (CC ’28), the ultimate anti-Barnard truther.

Bwog: Good evening, Joe, thanks for meeting with me. How are you?

Joe Columbia: I’m good. Would be better if I didn’t have to worry about these Barnard girls.

Bwog: Well, not all Barnard students are strictly girls… but are they on your mind a lot? What worries you about them?

JC: They think they’re as good as us Columbia students. They even go so far as to say they are Ivy League, Columbia students. 

Bwog: Do you know a lot of people who feel the same way as you about this?

JC: Don’t need to, it’s just the facts. They’re not Columbia students. They didn’t get into Columbia. They go to Barnard. If they wanted to go to Columbia, they should’ve had better stats. They don’t know their place.

Bwog: Better stats?

JC: GPA, SAT score.

Bwog: What was your SAT score?

JC: Well, I applied test-optional… I’m sure yours was high, wasn’t it?

(I assume this to be a rhetorical question, but he doesn’t continue.)

Bwog: …You want to know my SAT score?

JC: Yeah, since you’re offering.

Bwog: Uh. It was 1550. Getting back on topic, there are some Barnard students who also got into Columbia. And it is “Barnard College of Columbia University.” 

JC: That’s what Barnard wants you to think. And if you say otherwise, they call you a sexist.

Bwog: Okay… What do you think of the fact that Barnard students take Columbia classes, and vice versa, and they count for their gen ed and major requirements? Lots of Barnard major requirements are Columbia classes.

JC: Are they? That doesn’t make sense. Well, whatever, they’re still Barnard students. They’re an affiliate institution, so they’re Columbia affiliates at best. It takes away from the accomplishment of every Columbia student whenever some Barnard chick claims she goes here.

Bwog: How do you mean, Joe?

JC: Only the best of the best get into Columbia. I mean, just look at the difference in acceptance rates. 

Bwog: I guess personally, I feel like that’s kind of an elitist way to look at it. 

JC: It’s an elite university.

Bwog: Sure, but it’s not like going to Columbia necessarily makes you a better person than anybody else. 

JC: I disagree. It’s a huge achievement. Columbia is the best school ever.

Bwog: Okay, but doesn’t it say something if your prestige is that easily threatened? Anyway, I don’t mean it’s not something to be proud of, only that there’s not enough space to let in everyone who’s qualified, so it’s not based on merit alone. There’s a little luck involved.

JC: That’s why our great presidents have been expanding our class sizes. Everyone complains about how there’s too many people, but Barnard’s right there, leeching off us.

Bwog: Well, it’s not like Barnard doesn’t give anything to Columbia, just look at departments like Architecture or Theatre. Barnard students do research under Columbia, serve in leadership positions on student orgs– 

JC: Yeah, that’s why I don’t do that many extracurriculars anymore. Just some men’s club sports.

Bwog: You’ve left clubs to avoid Barnard students?

JC: I avoid Barnard as much as possible. I never go on the campus, it’s separate from us. People ask me to go to Hewitt sometimes. Ugh! 

Bwog: Aren’t there Barnard students in your classes? How do you deal with that?

JC: I actually invented something for this. 

(He removes what seems to be an AirPod from his ear and shows it to me.)

JC: They’re noise-cancelling, they automatically detect that shrill, women’s liberal arts tone of voice and activate. Sure, I miss some things, but– 

Bwog: I’m sorry, these are 100% accurate?

JC: Oh, yes, of course. They’re a creation of the superior Columbia mind.

Bwog: Are you sure?

JC: Why do you ask?

Bwog: Well, Joe, I’m wondering how you’ve been talking to me this whole time if that’s true.

JC: You go to Barnard?

Bwog: Um. Yeah.

(He stands abruptly.)

JC: I have to go.

Joe Columbia sadly couldn’t be reached for any further comment following this interview, but I felt like I got some real clarity here. Even if I don’t agree with all his takes myself, he made some really interesting points to think about. Maybe there are more people like Joe Columbia out there than we think.

Header via Barnard.edu