Tis a dreary day in academia as professors from all around decide how to end their time with students. Some opt for wit, others tears. Here is our first installment of Closing Remarks to what will be a continually updating post. Send your own anecdotes to bwgossip@coumbia.edu.

byeLatin American Literature professor Alfred Mac Adam:

“If anyone needs me before your papers are due on Monday, I’ll be in my office, gathering cobwebs as usual. It’ll be a race between you and the janitor — who empties the trash once every six months — to see who finds my decrepit, decaying body there first, covered in dust in a spider web cocoon”

Calc professor Elliott Stein

“Okay, that’s it. Party’s over.”

One person applauds, while the other 10 who were still coming to lecture at that point leave immediately.

“No, really, you don’t have to do that.”


History of the American Presidency professor David Eisenbach:

“…this has been a dream of mine…”


Spanish Professor Helen Aguilar

“The bad news is that almost nobody will get the grade they want, but they will get a grade marginally above the worst possible grade”

Film Professor Jameel Khaja

Professor Jameel Khaja asked how many students saw Iron Man this past weekend. When only one student raised his hand Jameel ran out into the hall and shouted, “There’s still hope! There’s still hope!”

Today Paige West concluded “The Interpretation of Culture” in this way:

After a lecture on globalization…

“I just have to tell you some things that don’t have to do with class. First, wear a condom! Condoms condoms condoms! Remember: ‘condom’ rhymes with ‘fun’!…No, seriously. A friend of mine is doing AIDS research in Papua New Guinea and the results are really terrifying.”

By “Prof Mass” (Professor Stephen Massimilla) in his Modern Poetry lecture, while urging students to continue passing around the bag of cookies he brought:

“Everything is organic.  There are M&Ms in there that are organic.  If you look closely you’ll see orange stuff which is organic orange juice.  …You can’t buy these in a store; they can only be made by someone who LOVES YOU.”  (vocal emphasis on the last two words.)

Dr. Jack McGourty:

Actually he didn’t say anything, but he was spotted dashing out a side door while final presentations were still going on.

Professor Achilles Varzi (Metaphysics)

He read a quotation from this book Flatland:

“To

The Inhabitance of SPACE IN GENERAL

And H.C. IN PARTICULAR

This Work is Dedicated

By a Humble Native of Flatland

In the Hope that

Even as he was Initiated into the Mysteries

Of THREE DIMENSIONS

Having been previously conversant

With ONLY TWO

So the Citizens of that Celestial Region

May aspire yet higher and higher

To the Secrets of FOUR FIVE or EVEN SIX Dimensions

Thereby contributing

To the Enlargment of THE IMAGINATION

And the possible Development

Of that most and excellent Gift of MODESTY

Among the Superior Races

Of SOLID HUMANITY”