David Hu has sacrificed his body in the name of Bwog before. This time around, he gets closer to the new Butler vending machines than we suspect anyone else has, and actually purchases drinks with names like “SLAP” and “Full Throttle.” His harrowing account follows. David, we salute you.

As I stare at the comically oversized can of SLAP ENERGY in front of me, I have to admit, I get a little intimidated. With the whopping two servings it contains, I’m about to consume an absurd 7,652mg of something the can labels mysteriously as “‘Energy 9.0′ Blend” whose “Daily Value [has] not [been] established.” I can only wonder as to what happened to versions 1.0 through 8.0. Even though I feel like I’m getting an energy rush just by thinking about the preposterous amount of… stuff I’m about to imbibe, I dive in and taste my first gulp.

The results are… “fruity,” at best. If the bottle were labeled with some sort of berry flavor, I’d be inclined to say that it vaguely reminds me of said flavor. But instead, mysterious labels elude me again, as the only probable indications of flavor on the can are either “FROST” or “SENSATION.” None of which help me determine what this taste is that is filling my mouth.

Too baffled and troubled by the mystifying vagueness of SLAP, I turn to Full Throttle, another one of Butler’s new fine choices. You can tell immediately that Full Throttle has a different attitude than SLAP: for starters, there’s no strange energy “blend” or peculiar non-flavors. Furthermore, this can actually has “Nutrition Facts,” as opposed to SLAP’s “Supplement Facts”…Nutrition!

I have a few sips of the drink, and the flavor is reminiscent of citrus, I guess. It’s certainly different than SLAP, but then again, SLAP didn’t have a real flavor at all.

Armed with my energy drinks, I embark on a night of studying in Butler. As part of my Tasting Experience, I am going to note any exceptional behaviors I exhibit throughout the night as a result of the ridiculous amount of Niacin and Vitamin B flowing through my body. To quell the SEAS kids out there, I’m also quantitatively measuring my level of concentration and focus by taking typing tests every half hour, measuring my words per minute. Let’s see where this night in Butler takes me.

Observations:

• About a few minutes of straight leg-bouncing
• Incessant fiddling with my fingernails
• Irresistible urge to play Bop It
• Constant pen-spinning
• Subsequent constant pen-dropping
• Playing Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok” on loop
• Inadvertently walking past my Butler table, pretending that’s what I really intended to do, and circling around the whole library before coming back to avoid embarrassment
• Constantly rearranging the items on my desk
• Moving my laptop further back so I sit more towards the edge of my seat
• Constantly looking around to see if someone is judging me for drinking Full Throttle
• Being increasingly agitated by having to take this typ… I want shrimp chips.

WPM Results:

• Initial results: 109 WPM with 94% accuracy.
• 30 minutes in: 107 WPM with 91% accuracy. Hey, at least it isn’t really hurting anything! Keeping me consistent.
• 1 hour in: 87 WPM with 81% accuracy. It’s kinda hard to do a typing test with Tik Tok in the background.
• 1 hour 30 minutes in: 11 WPM with 97% accuracy. Left to go to M2M. See previous shrimp chips note.