“Let’s play follow the leader, Creusa!”

Are you a freshman in CC, a sophomore in SEAS, or some weirdo who just takes Lit Hum for fun? You must be shitting some archetypical bricks for your final tomorrow, so Bwog decided to help you. We’ve succinctly and helpfully summarized all the books in the second semester Lit Hum syllabus! These will guarantee you at least an F.

AENEID:
Virgil: Remember how the Trojans were all awesome and heroic? WE’RE RELATED TO THEM, ROMANS.
Venus: Go to Carthage!
Aeneas: Okay I don’t know who you are person who totally isn’t mom!
Dido: Tell me your story!
Aeneas: I’m basically Odysseus.
Dido: I LOVE YOU WE ARE SO MARRIED NOW
Rumor: lol Iarbas did you hear about that
Iarbas: HELL NO THAT BITCH WAS MINE
Aeneas: um i g2g fulfill my destiny and visit dad in the underworld kthxbai
Dido: ugh i guess i have to suicide now
Anchises: ROME IS SO FUCKING AWESOME
Aeneas: i guess i’ll go do rome then
Virgil: Okay so NOW THIS STORY GETS AWESOME SUCK IT HOMER.
Latinus: MARRY MY DAUGHTER
Turnus: OH HELL NO
Juno: OH HELL NO
Venus: here son have a shield that shows you HOW AWESOME ROME IS
(100 pages of fighting)
Aeneas: DIE TURNUS
Virgil: fuck I ran out of paper better end the story here

METAMORPHOSES:
Ovid: I’m going to write a really long poem about everything.
Ovid: Okay the first chapter is called creation and there’s a flood. lol genesis what’s that i’ve never heard of it
Apollo: Cupid wtf stop shooting arrows that’s my thing
Cupid: lol i’m friendzoning you *makes him fall for daphne and her hate him*
Apollo: DAPHNE IS SO HOT I’D TAP THAT
Daphne: ew get away from me weirdo
Apollo: I AM SO HURT YOU ARE NOW A TREE
Cupid: talk about being butthurt
Zeus: *rape rape rape*
Hera: ugh zeus is raping Io again i’m turning her into a cow and hiding her under the clouds
Zeus: WHERE COULD IO BE oh wait look there’s a white cow writing stuff on the floor
[…not required reading…]
Ovid: And here THE TROJAN WAR IS ABOUT TO HAPP–oh look a snake!
Ovid: BTW rumor is like this weird place where you just hear noises kinda like twitter
Achilleus: I AM THE BEST
Nestor: Let me tell you about Caenis though
Poseidon: *rape rape rape* Okay Caenis now that I’m done raping you you can have a wish
Caenis; uhh that kinda sucked make me a man so it doesn’t happen again
Poseidon: I made you indestructible too
Caenis; Yay I’m indestructible imma participate in this battle between centaurs and lapiths
Nestor: I was there too and it was crazy
Achilleus: Cool story bro, imma go die now.
Ajax: gimme stuffz im strong or sumthin
Ulysses: Dear onlookers, I am of the opinion that I merit the spoils of Achilleus’ quietus, since I am more eloquent and perspicacious.
Army: uh that sounded smart you can have it
Ajax: BWAHHH *suicide*
Aeneas: so this part’s basically the aeneid you can skip it
Glaucus: I love Scylla help me Circe!
Circe: ughh i love Glaucus. i’ll turn Scylla into a monster.
Aeneas: Yay I’m a god now!
Ovid: Check out all of Aeneas’ descendants!
Romulus: Especially me! I get to be a god too!
Julius Caesar: I also get to be a god!
Pythagoras: so everything changes all the time, also you should be a vegetarian
Ovid: lol except this book this book will be famous forever
Art: omg this book is awesome

CONFESSIONS
Augustine: I LOVE YOU GOD THIS IS FOR YOU
Augustine: When I was a kid I did a lot of stupid shit but I was a kid so don’t blame me God
Augustine: my mom was really nice and she was Christian
Augustine: kids are like people before god which is why they’re selfish dicks
Augustine: As a teenager my friends made me do evil stuff like stealing IT WAS MY FRIENDS THOUGH GOD FORGIVE ME
Augustine: Ok I’m moving to Carthage and becoming a Manicheist
Augustine: My friend died and that’s because I loved my friend and not God so that makes me sad.
Augustine: So I met this guy Ambrose, check this out: that guy reads SILENTLY. WTF HOW
Augustine: He’s nice but wtf is he saying
Augustine: Ugh I don’t like manicheism and neoplatonism WHAT DO I BELIEVE
Kid: PICK UP AND READ
Augustine: omg okay *reads bible* okay i’m Christian now! people who convert are awesome so that makes me awesome
Augustine: mom and some of my friends died :(
Augustine: memory and the senses are like not enough to understand God
Augustine: ugh i just want to rest and be with god now

INFERNO
Dante: this is such a scary forest GAH IT’S A WOLF AND A LION AND A LEOPARD
Virgil: Worry not, Dante! I’m taking you to Heaven!
Dante: BUT WHAT IF I’M NOT WORTHY
Virgil: I was sent here by Beatrice/God!
Dante: They’re basically the same person! Let’s go!
Gates of Hell: HERE’S WHERE SHIT GETS REAL MOTHERFUCKERS
Dante: *faints*
Virgil: …they chose this guy? Well, okay, this is Limbo which is where all the good people who weren’t Christian are.
Dante: I’m just going to casually stand behind Homer, Virgil, Ovid, Horace, and Lucan the greatest poets of all time not implying anything I swear
*sins sins sins sins torture torture torture torture*
Francesca da Rimini: I don’t really know what I’m doing here
*sins sins sins sins torture torture torture torture*
Dante: This is great, all my political enemies are being tortured for eternity!
*sins sins sins sins torture torture torture torture*
Modern audience: WTF are simonists and why are they worse than murderers
Lucifer: OM NOM NOM JUDAS CASSIUS AND BRUTUS SO DELICIOUS
Virgil: Let’s go to Purgatory and Heaven now!
Dante: For sure! I love this newborn bromance! I also have no conception of geology whatsoever!

ESSAYS:
On Idleness: Doing nothing isn’t lazy it’s introspective. Keep your mind busy or you’ll think of some really fucked up shit
On The Power of the Imagination: You can make some crazy stuff happen with your MIND
On Cannibals: Cannibals aren’t fucked up, we are. Stop being such eurocentric racist hypocrites
On Repentance: Other people can’t judge me only I can.
On Experience: Kidney stones suck. Here’s a list of all the foods I like and don’t like. Please try to memorize it, as there will be a quiz at the end. Just kidding, quizzes can’t teach you anything you can’t learn from a good fuck!

KING LEAR:
Lear: I want to retire. What do you think of me, Goneril?
Goneril: OMG DAD YOU ARE THE BEST DAD AND THE BEST KING EVER
Lear: Regan?
Regan: DAD YOU’RE LIKE THE MOST AWESOMEST AWESOME THAT EVER AWESOMED
Lear: Cordelia?
Cordelia: …meh
Lear: OMG WTF YOU ARE DISOWNED
Kent: uh she’s like, doing nothing wrong
Lear: LEAVE TOO
France: uh lear can i tap that
Lear: have her for free she’s a slut anyways
Edmund: life sucks because i’m a bastard so i’m setting up my brother Edgar
Gloucester: I COMPLETELY FELL FOR IT EDGAR I’M DISOWNING YOU
Kent: I’m back because I’m super loyal to the king
Fool: all i say sounds stupid and meaningless but actually i’m like the only smart person here
Goneril: um dad can you behave better please?
Lear: THIS IS AN OUTRAGE I’M GOING TO LIVE WITH REGAN GO TELL HER THAT KENT
Kent: okay. hey oswald YOU SUCK
Oswald: what a dick. put him in the stocks.
Lear: WHATEVER I DON’T NEED ANY OF YOU GUYS ANYWAYS
Edmund: yo my dad is like allied with france
Cornwall: GOUGE HIS EYES OUT
Servant: what’s wrong with you people?!?! *kills cornwall*
Goneril: oops now you die too. ugh i’m sick of albany. dat edmund doe, so hot
Albany: okay this shit’s getting fucked up
Gloucester: I’m blind help me kill myself
Edgar: i’m totally not your son my name is tom o’bedlam here jump off this non-hill
Gloucester: okay
Edgar: YOU’RE ALIVE IT’S A MIRACLE
Lear: I’M TRIPPING BALLS NOW
*a bunch of fucked up shit happens but basically lear and cordelia join the french army and lose*
Everyone except Kent, Edgar and Albany: this is too confusing i’m just going to die
Kent, Edgar and Albany: We’re the three only moderately normal people in this play so we get to survive

DON QUIXOTE:
Miguel De Cervantes: So this book isn’t very good but I totally didn’t write the story so don’t blame me
Don Quixote: I have a mission from God to be a knight errant! This shitty horse is my steed and that random girl over there is the love of my life Dulcinea. I’m going on an adventure!
*fails at everything, gets badly injured*
Priest & Barber: Let’s burn all these books except the ones by Cervantes that guy is chill
Don Quixote: I’m going back, this time with my noble squire Sancho!
Sancho: Yeah but I get an ísola right?
Don Quixote: Whatever that is, of course!
Don Quixote: Oh look, it’s a [insert fantastical legend here]! I must fight it for Dulcinea!
Sancho: Um, it’s just a [insert everyday Spanish thing here].
Don Quixote: Sancho, you just don’t understand. Attack!
*gets badly injured*
Sancho: oh for fuck’s sake
Repeat for 900 pages
Don Quixote: So that was kinda stupid, I’ll be normal for a bit and then die
Lit Hum Students: TL;DR

FAUST:
Mephistopheles: I bet I can’t make Faust evil.
God: Go ahead.
Goethe: What? This sounds Job? What’s that I’ve never heard of it
Faust: Life is so stupid I feel like I don’t know anything it’s almost as if I’m taking FroSci… I’m going to kill myself.
Voices: Don’t do it!
Faust: Voices that’s totally sane, I’ll go to the market. Oh look a poodle let me take it home
Mephistopheles: HA! I was the poodle. Now I bet that I can make you satisfied with life.
Faust: Deal!
Mephistopheles: Let’s go to a bar in Leipzig and kill random people!
Faust: Okay!
Mephistopheles: Let’s go to a witch’s kitchen that has a bunch of monkeys and get potions!
Faust: Okay! Wait, I like this fourteen year old girl Gretchen, can I tap that?
Mephistopheles: Sure! I’ll chat Martha up and leave some jewels by her window, it won’t be creepy at all.
*cutesy love between Faust and Gretchen*
Faust: AH I HATE THIS WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME MEPHISTOPHELES YOU ARE MAKING GRETCHEN SAD
Mephistopheles: Dude just go talk to her
Gretchen: I don’t like Mephistopheles he looks kind of evil
Faust: Chill, just give this sleeping potion to your mom so we can get funky
Valentine: Sister, you’re a slut.
Walpurgis Night: THIS PART MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE
Gretchen: I’m in jail for killing my son
Reader: Wait what? When did she have a baby?
Faust: I will save you, Gretchen, come with me?
Gretchen: Wait, you don’t want to stay here with me? I AM UNLOVED
Faust: …what? You’re in jail, FUCKING COME WITH ME
Gretchen: NO YOU DON’T LOVE ME
Mephistopheles: lol dude, you lose, I’m taking you away

PRIDE AND PREJUDICE:
Darcy: You’re ugly. I love you.
Elizabeth: You’re an asshole.
Darcy: I’m not an asshole.
Elizabeth: You’re not an asshole. I love you.

CRIME AND PUNISHMENT:
Raskolnikov: Should I rob an old lady? Guys? Having a crisis here? Yeah I’m really feeling this I’m gonna go for it
Razumikhin: Dude your sister is kind of hot
Raskolnikov: UGH if I hadn’t already killed an old lady that would make me want to
Petrovich: I know you killed that old lady okay
Raskolnikov: Yeah I did, PSYCH no I didn’t, or did I?????????
Petrovich: I know you killed that old lady okay
Raskolnikov: What? Wasn’t I just talking to you?
Petrovich: LOL no, you must have been talking to the other Petrovich but not me the other one who works for me it’s not confusing
Raskolnikov: Uh okay well I didn’t kill anyone
Petrovich: Dude your sister is kind of hot
Raskolnikov: Excuse me?
Petrovich: Oh sorry you might be confused but I’m not either of the cops who’s out to get you, I’m just this asshole who wants to marry your sister who’s also named Petrovich
Raskolnikov: OKAY FINE I KILLED THAT BITCH ARE YOU HAPPY? Just send me to Siberia omg
Sonya: IT’S SOCIETY’S FAULT
Raskolnikov: Yeah let’s go with that

TO THE LIGHTHOUSE:
Woolf: Consciousness consciousness consciousness, ‘scuse me while I revolutionize the modern novel
Reader after 10 pages: WTF is going on who are you even talking about anymore I can’t find the beginning of this sentence.
Mr. Ramsay: We can’t go to the lighthouse tomorrow.
Mrs. Ramsay: Yes you can!!
James: I hate you dad
Person in seminar who clearly didn’t read the book: Oedipal Complex????
Mrs. Ramsay: One must marry!!! Is that what one said? I’m just gonna keep on using the impersonal “one” voice, don’t mind me!
Paul and Minta: Let’s get married LoL
Lily: Fuck that shit, I’m never getting married.
Lily: Fuck that shit, how come I can’t get my painting to match what I see in my head
Charles Tansley: Women can’t paint, women can’t write.
Mr. Ramsay: But how do I get past Q????!!!!
Person in seminar who clearly didn’t read the book but maybe saw the trailer to The Hours once: I’m just going to keep referring back to “getting past Q” as if I know what the fuck I’m talking about
Every character in the book: why can’t we actually ever express what’s going on inside of our heads omg FOREVER ALONE
Person in seminar who clearly did read the book and wants everyone to know: Discrepancy between internal and external realities
Everyone else: STFU
Mrs. Ramsay: I’m getting old omg life is so ephemeral I want to just stay in this moment and freeze time 5ever
Woolf: lol ten years in 20 pages, ready, set, go~~time passes, summerhouse decays, [Mrs. Ramsay dies] [Prue dies] [Andrew dies], omg extreme home makeover~~
Lily(ten years later): Fuck nothing is the same in this summerhouse anymore
Mr. Ramsay: We’re going to the lighthouse whether you like it or not.
James: I still hate you
Cam: Idk maybe he’s not that bad
Lily: MRS. RAMSAY!!!! Y U NO HERE
James: Fight tyranny to the death
Mr. Ramsay: Well done sonny boy!!!
Lily: Yup I can see them in my mind they def. landed
James: wait are you fucking kidding me, THIS is the lighthouse????
Lily: I finally finished my painting!!!!
Wikipedia: On 28 March 1941, Woolf put on her overcoat, filled its pockets with stones, and walked into the river near her home and drowned herself.
Reader: DA FUQUE. That explains a lot.