This is what I look like, only blue.

Greetings, Bwog readers. Blue Cheetah here. That’s not my real name, of course. It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s just too dangerous to be sharing my identity right now. They’re after me. They don’t want me sharing the truth. Who are “they,” you ask? Well, obviously, I can’t tell you. They are listening. Let’s just call them “the Administration.”

I normally don’t communicate through the Internet, except under emergency circumstances. And this definitely is an emergency. The Administration is keeping you all in the dark. I feel obligated to let you know the reasons behind these happenings before it’s too late.

Now, some of you may have noticed the “construction” that has been going on in Pupin plaza. I put construction in quotes because this implies that Columbia put some sort of “work” or “effort” into remodeling the area. They have not. This is not construction: it is a coverup. Literally. But also figuratively. If you’re buying what President Bollinger’s selling, then you may think this is for your own good. But if you’re still listening to what our dear old presi-don’t tells you, you’re seriously deluded.

So here is the truth. Underneath Pupin Plaza lies the remains of one Dr. Emlyn Hughes’ secret lab. That’s right: Manhattan Project step aside: there’s an even crazier experiment going on here. According to my source, who shall remain anonymous, and whose name may or may not rhyme with “deck ducks,” Dr. Hughes was ordered by PrezBo to experiment on students with radiation. Why Hughes, you ask? Because he has a badass personality, that’s why. But apparently Hughes refused due to his “antinuclear views,” or in other words, “a conscience” or “sense of human decency.”

Realizing that the only way to continue with his experiment was to make his own professor, PrezBo slipped Hughes a Jekyll & Hyde potion, making him go crazy, and resulting in Hughes exposing his personal fanclub student video team to radiation. The resulting chaos of mutant students with a knack for physics destroyed Hughes’ lab in a matter of hours. Knowing the situation could not continue, PrezBo was ready to eliminate the students.

Hughes, back in his right mind, had no choice but to sit back and watch PrezBo take down his trusty nuclear disarmament team. That is, until he realized the one thing that could distract PrezBo long enough to save his students: a PR debacle. He was forced to strip down in his Frontiers of Science lecture, play disorienting videos, and dance to hip hop music – all to save his students. (Again, what a badass. With a heart.)

Dr. Hughes, being the amazing man he is, convinced PrezBo to have the new flooring in Pupin Plaza installed. Of course, PrezBo had to agree, in order to prevent the leftover radiation from seeping out of the lab. It may look like shitty and cheap plastic flooring, but it is actually shitty and cheap plastic flooring containing lead, i.e. radiation repellent or something like that. Of course, you may be worried that lead is also a pretty dangerous substance. But don’t worry, I’m sure Prezbo considered that.

It is unknown what has happened to the irradiated students. My information is that Hughes used the blinking lights in his aforementioned disorienting videos to induce memory loss. But after that, we just don’t know. Were the students given a cure? Are they actually still crazy, but because they study physics no one questions their behavior? All we know is that PrezBo has given up on having them silenced, so they must no longer be a threat.

And what about Dr. Hughes himself? Of course, now that he has this dirt on PrezBo, he will most likely be here to stay. But it’s still unclear whether the effects of the Jekyll & Hyde solvent were permanent, or whether he has managed to find a cure.

Now it’s up to you to answer these questions, and decide whether to do what the Administration tells you, or listen to the expert and WAKE UP. If you’re wondering who’s behind all this, I’ll give you a hint: it’s not PrezBo. Oh, no. This job goes all the way to the top. If you haven’t already figured out that PrezBo’s not in charge here, let this be a lesson to you: nothing is what it seems. That’s all I can say for now. Blue Cheetah out.

Secrecy via Shutterstock.