PE Madness: Round 1
Written by Bwog Staff
Behold: registration is nigh! As Bwog combed the bulletin, an itch in the back of our SSOL audit report reminded us that there are not one but two physical education requirements. But with all these activities to choose from, how do we progress from here? Bwog has begun our very own PE Madness Tournament to determine the ultimate gym class.
We started out with 28 major courses offered in the Spring 2014 semester. We trimmed a few things: all styles of yogas are included under “Yoga;” baseball and softball are one category; all levels of different sports (i.e. beg/int/adv or beg/lap swim) have been condensed into one.
Bwog then split the courses into four categories: Weird (i.e. unusual things to do), Back to Summer Camp (i.e. basic sports), Masturbatory (i.e. self-motivated), and Cathartic (i.e. fighting faces on). Among the seven activities, we did some loose rankings in order to set up the bracket:
Bwog’s handwriting sucks but we were in too deep when we realized we could’ve done this on a computer.
Red (top left) = Weird
Blue (bottom left) = Masturbatory
Green (top right) = Back to Summer Camp
Pink (bottom right) = Cathartic
- Diving gets a bye because you spend most of class sitting in a hot tub
- Cardio Fitness gets a bye because everyone wants it
- Basketball gets a bye because it’s fun and global
- Badminton gets a bye because it’s more fun and more global
After careful deliberation, here are the results from Round One:
Oh god seriously who let Bwog do this by hand
- Who wants to sail when you can ski?
- Rowing is apparently just weeks on an erg machine. Nope, hiking wins.
- Kayaking costs $200 but scuba costs $225, so, bye scuba
Back to Summer Camp:
- After going to the first class, Bwog realized this was FLOOR hockey and not FIELD hockey with those cute skirts like in Gossip Girl. Everything is a lie. Bwog’s life will never be Gossip Girl. Base/soft-ball win by default
- Haunted by horrifying memories of mean girls and repeat viewings of Bring It On, volleyball wins
- While both soccer and swimming are exhausting, you don’t face near death if you stop moving on a solid field.
- In a surprise win, several Bwoggers reported that pilates is actually awesome, giving it the lead
- This is self-paced running, people. Walking can be running, right?
- What the fuck even is intro to fitness? How embarrassing would that be on a transcript?
- You will never be Serena van der Woodsen nor will you be Serena Williams. Squash it is.
- OBVIOUSLY FENCING BECAUSE THE OLYMPICS
- This was a tough one, but ultimately karate wins because we’ve always wanted to kick a board in half
And so we’re down to the Sweet 16! Come back next time to see who gets closer to the win.
Editor’s note: all decisions are made with absolute subjectivity, based mostly on stereotype and anecdotal testimonials.
Tags: all the coolest classes cost too much money, bracketology, dat picture quality tho, finding that balance between exercise but not too much exercise, masturbatory, masturbatory what kind of category is that, pe madness, showing our handwriting to prove why we're better online, Sports... on Bwog!, Summer camp kidz