Oct

31

The Ninety-Five Theses, Revisited

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Hypothesis: Having a desk aesthetic improves your theses proposal performance.

Two years ago, Bwog celebrated thesis season by compiling a list of ninety-five prospective senior thesis topics that we imagined a Columbia student somewhere in the bowels of Butler might be writing. Today, on the 500th anniversary of Martin Luther nailing the original Ninety-Five Theses (or, the shitpost-that-launched-a-thousand-arguments-about-God) to the door of a church in Wittenburg, we present a brand new list. Good luck to all you seniors working hard on their own theses, and happy Halloween!

1. Bullshit: My Thesis

2. Gone, Baby, Gone: The Rise of Inter-Ethnic Kidnappings in the Post-Colonial Global South

3. Out, Brief Candle! How Long Each Scent of Yankee Candle Takes to Melt

4. Outlets in the Diana Cafe: A case study in resource partitioning and instraspecific competition

5. I.M. GAY: Expressions of Sexuality in 2000’s Chatroom Culture

6. Love and Other Mugs: The influence of Feminism and Erotocism in Post-Modern Pottery

7. Bye, Bye Birdie: How Our Obsession with House Music is Destroying the Song Patterns of Avian Species

8. 50 Shades of Khaki: The Evolution of Modern Men’s Fashion

9. Needle-wise: Are Vaccines to Blame for the Rise in Murderous Clown Plotlines?

10. The Plight of Flight: A Comparative Analysis of Aerodynamic Conspiracy Theories and Government Fear Tactics

11. One Small Step for Man: How Neil Armstrong’s Shoe Size Made Him the First Man on the Moon

12. Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer: A Definitive Proof

13. From Mateys to the Eighties: How Gay Pirates Continue to Impact Our Culture

14. Why Does The Diana Always Run Out Of Soup Right Before I Get There: A Study In Sadness

15. Liminal Spaces At Columbia

16. Maybe Self Care Was Actually Doing the Assignment Causing Me Stress Instead of Taking Eight Naps: A Retrospective

17. I Asked the JJ’s Staff to Make Me A Quesadilla With Cheese and a Thesis and This Is What They Gave Me

18. Why Subtweeting The Void Is More Effective Than Just Screaming Into It

19. Spec Op-eds As A Modern Day Replica of the Stanford Prison Experiment

20. Every Shakespeare Character Was Gay (And I Can Prove It)

21. Cruel Angel’s Thesis

22. Going to the bathroom during class: How to spend an entire 2:40 on a toilet in Hamilton

23. Magnolia Gothic: How A Dying Tree Shapes School Culture

24. Requiem for a Ream: The Death of the Printer Industry in a Paperless World

25. All the Way Up (to JJ5): Changing Elevator Politics in the Ivy League

26. The Contemporary Relevance of Dolly Parton’s “9 to 5” to the Female Workforce

27. Terry Pratchett’s Boots Theory of Socioeconomic Unfairness As Demonstrated At Duane Reade

28. Don’t take it out of your fucking bag: how to never hear a loud ass swell bottle clang against the floor in the middle of class

29. I forgot to put on deodorant: a theory on literally going home and putting it on instead of forcing your classmates to suffer

30. Please don’t talk to me: a revelation on interactions between Uber drivers and crying passengers

31. Sorry I just had Blue Java coffee: a new-aged courtesy to grant your peers

32. Lit Humping: The Ramifications Of Hooking Up With Someone In Your Lit Hum Class

33. Boys in Barnard classes: A study in perceived v. actual discrimination

34. Jaywalking: A study in reaction times

35. Move, Bitch, Get out the Way: Maximizing Efficiency at Ferris During Peak Hours

36. To Pee or Not to Pee (in the Shower): Getting the Most from Your Weekly 2 Hours of Hygiene

37. Can The Subaltern Tweet?: Social Media and the Global South

38. Bloody Shoes: Epistemic Violence and Cardi B’s Bodak Yellow

39. The Clitoris. Will he find it?

40. Special Relativity As It Applies To My Own Masculinity Around Sports Bros

41. The Consistency Of Nutella Is All Wrong: A Thesis In Four Lumpy Dollops

42. Sufjan Stevens and St. Vincent Are Both Sides Of Manic Depression. This One’s Actually Serious.

43. The Civil War Was Fought Over Slavery: A Thesis That’s Just One Sentence And Surprise, It’s Over.

44. Correlation between professional acclaim of a professor and lack of teaching ability

45. Should I Uber: The confounding relationship between grocery weight and wind chill

45. CC boys wearing Barnard sweatshirts: Douchey or dreamy?

46. Window to the Bowl: How Much Weed Can You Smoke Out Your Dorm Room Window Before Getting Caught By Your RA

47. Alarmin’ Carman: What Is The Average Number Of Fire Alarms That Go Off In Carman Every Year

48. Snapchat: groundbreaking or irrelevant?

49. Critical Notes on the Duality of Man: Finding Out that Guy From Your Foreign Language Class is Actually a Frat Bro

50. Critical Notes on the Duality of Woman: Finding Out if this Girl From Your Fiction Writing Class isn’t Flirting with You but Actually Just Being Nice

51. What I Learned in Boating School Is: How SpongeBob SquarePants Contributed to My Alcoholism

52. Sad Columbia Boy: How a Lone Pigeon Lost its Way on the Low Steps

53. Cat Halloween costumes: basic or never out of style?

54. Is He Hitting on Her or Are They Just Friends? An Anthropological Analysis of Frat Party Interactions

55. Butler: what did Freud mean?

56. A Secret Pet Dog or Roommates Who Don’t Know How to Clean Their Fucking Hair Out of the Shower

57. Security Guards Asleep on Duty: A Study of the Pros and Cons

58. How High is the Heights, Really: A Linguistic and Mathematical Exploration

59. Rubber Bands, Hot Sauce, and a Broken Wrist: How I Lost My Virginity in the Butler Stacks

60. An Analysis of the Weird Looks You Get from Barnard Security Guards when Signing Boys In

61. A study on the rights of elevator usage in the Ivy League

62. Squeaky Bed or Dirty Floor: The Trials of College Hookups

63. A Demographic Study on EC Sign-ins on Saturday Nights

64. ‘Sup Bro: The Socio-Linguistics of Beta Boys

65. College “What are we”s Confused: Are they hooking up because they are dating or are they dating because they are hooking up?

66. “Pretty Hairless” and Other Comments My Tattoo Artist Made About My Thigh

67. Exploring the Correlation Between People You Really Don’t Want to See and People You Are Guaranteed to See Everyday

68. Pesto or Marinara? Ferris Pasta Choices as a Reflection of Character

69. The Correlation Between Kinsey Scale Scores and the Lengths of Essays on Sappho’s Lyrics

70. Menstruation Matters: A Study of The Color Red Around Barnard

71. Fashion Aesthetics on Campus

72. Naps In Silence: The Socio-Cultural Impact of a Generation of Sleeping Millennials

73. Why We Need To Know What PrezBo Does All Day

74. Screams In The Night: A Study Of My Neighbors

75. Suppressing Nausea: The Scientific Ramifications Of Another Shot

76. Food Aesthetics in Dining Hall Themes

77. Does Ferris Pizza Belong in the MoMA: Comparisons Between Dining Hall Food and Modern Art

78. “Sorry, I Just Didn’t See You”: Excuses We Hear for Cutting in the Diana Pizza Line and How to Determine Their Legitimacy

79. The Amount of Exercise You Actually Get By Taking The Hamilton Stairs

80. Free Speech: A Different Definition for Every Student at Columbia

81. Student Government Meetings: A Study in Circular Arguments and Wasting Time

82. The Columbia University Wind Ensemble and the Columbia University Marching Band: A Study in Cross-pollination

83. The Crown Juuls: The Relationship Between Royal International Students And Vape Pens

84. Where The Fuck Is James Madison: A Glimpse Into The Relationship Between John Jay, Alexander Hamilton, And James Madison On Campus

85. 10:20 At 1020 On 10/20: The Witching Hour

86. The History of “Real Journalism”

87. How Long Could This Person Possibly Talk? A Thesis Composed While Waiting to See a Professor During Office Hours

88. The Fastest Man Alive: A Man About to Be Late To Gulati’s Class on the Day A P-set is Due

89. Bored@Butler, Columbia buy sell memes, and Bwog Commenters: An ecological history

90. That’s Not Punny: How Stupid Does a Pun Have to Be Before it’s Smart Again?

91. 209 Reasons to put Orgo Night Back in 209

92. Suzanne Goldberg: The Woman, the Myth, the Legend

93. Texts I Sent While Drunk Last Night: An Extensive Literary Analysis

94. Columbia Football: How Many Winning and Losing Streaks will it Take before the Players Actually Streak

95. Ninety-Five Theses in the Modern Age: A Meta Study On How Bwog Appropriated The Original Shitpost

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