This is the ninth installment in our Senior Wisdom series…bringing you all the awesome ’07ers you should’ve met by now.
Claims to fame:
I yelled “CUNT” loudly and repeatedly to an audience of several hundred people on multiple occasions when I was in the Vagina Monologues freshman year (although I still wonder about the possibility of actually reclaiming that – or any – word). I threw my heart and extracurricular soul into SEEJ before I became a bit disenchanted. (The people are amazing and they do incredible work but – call me a Machiavel if you wish – all the consensus-building wasn’t really my thing.) I’ve done the Orchesis ads since sophomore year (forgive the varying degrees of aesthetic appeal) and did the Barnard Senior Fund ads this year (forgive the surplus of girly pink polka dots). I will continue to serve on the Barnard SRI Committee as an alumna and actually make it do something valuable (I hope). I was on stage at the Apollo Theater during a CUE pre-orientation field trip, only to be defeated by a 10-year-old break dancer whose moves were, admittedly, more impressive than my overly enthusiastic gyrations and offbeat pelvic thrusts.
Preferred swim test stroke?
I go to Barnard where we denounce the artificial boundaries of separate types of strokes as a social construct and, furthermore, regard the imposition of a swim requirement as unnecessarily denuding, upholding the objectification of women while perpetuating the patriarchal system/western canon. Anyway, we expect that our men will find a way to carry us across the water with their hunky, tan, rippling-with-muscles bodies. Then feed us grapes.
What are three things you learned at Columbia?
1. They all lie. It does too matter what you major in. And grades can matter, too.
2. Students here are often characterized by absurdly high numbers of hours spent in Butler, either because they are succumbing to the Ivy/NY pressure to take more credits than everyone else or because it’s the closest thing to community this campus has (besides the uber-democracy of Low Steps in the springtime).
3. The need to balance faith in chance/autonomy; there is no center/objective truth; the value of people who are actually listening; always ask for extra lime; NY is unparalleled but the west coast is home; sleeping is overrated; the joys of occasionally/frequently being a pretentious asshole; and (token cheesy moment) true friends are, under no circumstances, to be taken for granted.
Justify your existence in 30 words or less.
I’ve an astonishing gift for creating, compounding, and reintroducing awkwardness. Having provided such invaluable entertainment to friends and/or strangers and/or incredulous 1020 patrons, I proceed to feel no awkwardness whatsoever.
What was your favorite controversy in your time at Columbia?
The legacy of my first-year floormate, the esteemed sex columnist Miriam Datskovsky.
Which professor do you think would be the best kisser?
Paul Scolieri. Michael Taussig. Sunil Gulati.
What percentage of seniors do you think are virgins?
After the debauchery and recklessly deluding influence of imminent nostalgia during senior week? Whatever it was before, minus a few.
Would you rather permanently give up oral sex or cheese?
Oral sex. As long as I can still have camembert, smoked gouda, and penetration (not simultaneously, you goofs), I will manage.
Days on campus memory?
Never did it. Imagine one for me.
Not taking various classes (e.g. Bollinger, Carnes, Foner, Marten). Taking psychology for my science requirement. Not discovering the leafy charm of Riverside Park sooner. Not using the librarians more because they are actually really useful for researching certain papers. Not taking more advantage of free admission to MoMA. Not being nicer. Not being meaner. Not adequately learning brevity. Not actually accomplishing more/lapsing into solipsism when answering questionnaires because I’m about to be skewered by skeptical Bwog readers starting… now.
If you’re burning for more class of 2007 profiles, check it: Frances Howorth, Josh Bolotsky, Jenni Oki, Seth Flaxman, Maria Baibakova, Karen Fu (scroll), David Chait (scroll), Dan Okin, Anthony Walker, Nick Klagge, Claire Lackner, Paul Sonne, Karina Garcia, and Sakib Khan.