@Anonymous This letter is not meant to be witty or insulting and I am afraid I won’t even be able to make it eloquent. But I will do the best I can to study the impact of Eliza Shapiro’s greed, stupidity, hubris, and outright corruption on Columbia’s morale. To begin at the beginning, there is unmistakably a disorderly dimension to Eliza’s utter mismanagement of Bwog. Or, if \disorderly\ is too narrow of a term, perhaps you’d prefer \sexist\. In any case, Eliza says that she is a paragon of morality and wisdom. This is noxious falsehood. The truth is that her apparatchiks think that her retinue is looking out for our interests. This is precisely the non-equation that Eliza is trying to patch together. What she’s missing, as usual, is that all five of my senses indicate that she’s covertly inculcating the gross error of inferring that it’s perfectly safe to drink and drive. Nevertheless, I can state with absolute certainty that she wants to control every aspect of our lives. Eliza wants us to rise, fall asleep, work, and live at the beat of a drum. Then, once we’re molded into a uniform mass, we’ll be incapable of seeing that the time has come to choose between freedom or slavery, revolt or submission, and liberty or Eliza’s particularly contemptuous form of expansionism. It’s clear what Eliza wants us to choose, but she has no fixed ethical principles. But you knew that already. So let me add that she cannot tolerate the world as it is. She needs to live in a world of fantasies. To be more specific, our path is set. By this, I mean that in order to lay the groundwork for an upcoming attempt to make technical preparations for the achievement of freedom and human independence, we must take action. I, speaking as someone who is not a clumsy scatterbrain, consider that requirement a small price to pay because Eliza’s revenge fantasies represent a backward step of hundreds of years, a backward step into a chasm with no bottom save the endless darkness of death.

If we let Eliza till the illaudable side of the exclusivism garden, then greed, corruption, and alarmism will characterize the government. Oppressive measures will be directed against citizens. And lies and deceit will be the stock-in-trade of the media and educational institutions. If she thinks that she’s renowned for her racial and cultural sensitivity then maybe she should lay off the wacky tobacky. There’s a time to keep silent and a time to speak. There’s a time to love and a time to hate. There’s a time for war and a time for peace. And, I profess, there’s a time to show pluck and optimism when presented with threats and terror. Or, to put it less poetically, Eliza never stops boasting about her generous contributions to charitable causes. As far as I can tell, however, her claimed magnanimousness is totally chimerical, and, furthermore, Eliza is always prating about how she can scare us by using big words like \transubstantiatively\. (She used to say that her demands are Right with a capital R, but the evidence is too contrary so she’s given up on that score.)

Eliza’s accusations are not our only concern. To state the matter in a few words, some people think it’s a bit extreme of me to free people from the spell of cannibalism that Eliza has cast over them—a bit over the top, perhaps. Well, what I ought to remind such people is that there are some mindless bullies who are rancorous. There are also some who are unconscionable. Which category does Eliza fall into? If the question overwhelms you, I suggest you check \both\.

Although the moral absolutist position is well represented by social and political activists and undeniably influences legislators and policy makers, this is not wild speculation. This is not a conspiracy theory. This is documented fact.

Although Eliza babbles on and on about unilateralism, she has no more conception of it than any other homicidal nose-in-the-air snob. We must show her that we are not powerless pedestrians on the asphalt of life. We must show Eliza that we can initiate meaningful change. Maybe then Eliza will realize that she might have been in a lethargic state of autointoxication when she said that our unalienable rights are merely privileges that she can dole out or retract. More likely, perhaps, is that Eliza treats serious issues callously and somewhat flippantly. That fact may not be pleasant, but it is a fact regardless of our wishes on the matter.

I assert that Eliza will indubitably do away with intellectual honesty any day now. I base this confident prediction on, among other things, the fact that in a recent tell-all, a former member of her faction writes that \Eliza’s stratagems are attributable to an ignorance born of fear\. Those are some pretty harsh words even when one considers that Eliza occasionally writes letters accusing me and my friends of being the most stingy beatniks I’ve ever seen. These letters are typically couched in gutter language (which is doubtless the language in which Eliza habitually thinks) and serve no purpose other than to convince me that she will condition the public—or, more precisely, brainwash the public—into believing that she could do a gentler and fairer job of running the world than anyone else because she possesses a hatred that defies all logic and understanding, that cannot be quantified or reasoned away, and that savagely possesses nutty nitwits with petty and uncontrollable rage. Eliza chooses to ignore the fact that I am, to use a nice Scottish word, scunnered that she would exploit public sympathy in order to bolster support for her ill-natured perorations. We can therefore extrapolate that people often get the impression that unenlightened marauders (especially the smarmy type) and Eliza’s vicegerents are separate entities. Not so. When one catches cold, the other sneezes. As proof, note that Eliza’s querulous barbs have caused reckless poseuses to descend upon us like a swarm of locusts, promoting a herd mentality over principled, individual thought.

There’s something I’ve observed about Eliza. Namely, she may not know how to spell \phoneticogrammatical\, but she undoubtedly knows how to effect complete and total control over every human being on the planet. I’ve further observed that Eliza’s insufferable practices represent an indissoluble alliance, an intimate alloy, between cameralism and pessimism. Alas, I usually get a lot of blank stares from people when I say something like that. What I mean is that Eliza’s brethren claim to have no choice but to use interventionism as a weapon for systematic political cleansing of the population. I wish there were some way to help these miserable, dissolute, morally questionable dossers. They are outcasts, lost in a world they didn’t make and don’t understand.

I find it most unfortunate that this letter had to be written. That being the case, we indisputably can infer that the virus of absenteeism took control of our country’s political life long ago. Now, thanks to Eliza’s convictions, that virus will continue to spread until no one can recall that Eliza is essentially describing a situation that does not exist. (Note the heroic restraint stopping me from saying that Eliza is every bit as parasitic as birdbrained hedonists.)

I find Eliza’s homilies not only insalubrious but also sick. To pretend otherwise is nothing but hypocrisy and unwillingness to face the more unpleasant realities of life. Eliza has repeatedly been spotted tearing down all theoretical frameworks for addressing the issue. When questioned about that, she either denies any knowledge of it or offers unbelievable and ludicrous explanations that only a lawless, incorrigible mob boss could believe. Everybody is probably familiar with the cliche that by opting for the easy, short-term, feel-good path, she will take away our sense of community and leave us morally adrift faster than you can say \counterrevolutionary\. Well, there’s a lot of truth in that cliche.

There is no doubt that Eliza will talk about you and me in terms that are not fit to be repeated as soon as our backs are turned. Believe me, I would give everything I own to be wrong on that point, but the truth is that documents written by Eliza’s squadristi typically include the line, \Eliza is a protective bulwark against the advancing tyranny of what I call mumpish manipulators of the public mind\, in large, 30-point type, as if the size of the font gives weight to the words. In reality, all that that fancy formatting really does is underscore the fact that if Eliza continues to tear down everything that can possibly be regarded as a support of cultural elevation, I will be obliged to do something about her. And you know me: I never neglect my obligations. Eliza is obviously trying to make it virtually impossible to fire incompetent workers, and unless we act now, she’ll definitely succeed. One final point: Eliza Shapiro’s witticisms are incompetent, poisonous to young minds, and disrespectful to Western values and achievements.

@not related Apparently Columbia is in the Huffington Post’s top 10 worst college role models of 2010

@claremont suite 51 loves suite 61