Yes we officially retired Bed Intruder references on Bwog but print journalism can’t always keep up with the times. We continue to respect our heritage/amorous affair with our mother-magazine, The Blue & White (see About) by posting each issue of the magazine online. The latest issue, available this week around campus, is a cornucopia of delights: the quest for a Columbia quidditch team; drugs, sex and ROTC; and an interview with Dean Peter Awn. We present this month’s Fiction, Mike Young relays his nightmares: Giant, diabetic bedbugs invade Columbia.

Illustration by Louise McCune

Ariel Bloom
Cimicidae finally interfere with what little sleep I get!
Sunday 6:03 a.m.
Eric Hamilton likes this.
Monica Rynders: Call the exterminator!
Ariel Bloom: It’s Sunday. No exterminator. @Eric: why the ef would you like this? My arms are covered in pink rashes and I can’t call facilities on Sundays. Not funny!
Eric Hamilton: I have them, too! I like that we’re all in the same boat. My gf slept over and we both woke up rashy. Let’s have a bedbug sleepover!
Ariel Bloom: You wish. I’m washing my clothes on high heat and staying at a friend’s apartment.
Jared S.: I had to take my gf to the hospital. Apparently they’ve never seen this kind of bedbug before. Well fed, twice the regular size.
Ariel Bloom: Morton Williams sold out of hydrocortisone. Blame it on your mutant bugs. Probably came from Pupin.
Jared S.: You’re right…there was a Pupin experiment involving high fructose corn syrup. Cimicidae->corn syrup->giant diabetic? bedbug.

Your Events:
Escape the Bedbugs Campout: Location: South Lawn. Date: Monday 25 9:00 pm – Tuesday April 26 12 noon.
Rid yourself of bed bugs, camp with us on South Lawn. No refreshments, but enough love to feed all!
Ariel Bloom: Eric, you can’t eat love. Not coming.
Eric Hamilton: Well WE’RE camping. Stuff’s already out there.
Jared S.: East Campus is infested! They’ll probably join your ranks.
Ariel Bloom: Just stay the hell out of Butler, all of you.
Eric Hamilton: You guys missed it! There were tons of us camping out last night. People all over campus have pinkish radish-patch rashes. One guy walking down Low steps was scratching so hard he ripped off his shirt and started clawing his body in front of a campus tour. I think one of the moms was asking about campus counseling. Hilarious!
Ariel Bloom: Did you study in Butler? They’ve spread through the reading rooms. They’re fumigating the library!
Megan Li: Aaaand Claremont is officially infested. We’re coming!
Eric Hamilton: Three more infested! Welcome, folks! Anybody else checking in?
Jared S.: Hey, Hartley, Carman and Broadway have them as well.
David Zepeda: I’m holding you responsible, Eric!
Eric Hamilton: : ) Tent. City. Y’all. Spilled over college walk, surrounding La Maison as well.
Ariel Bloom: Health hazard, much? If you haven’t heard, Prezbo is coming to your little campout.
Eric Hamilton: Actually…Prezbo has a Gregor Samsa case on his hands: morphed into a bedbug. He’s called off facilities and he’s heading over with the mutants he’s taken under his wing. Call him Prez Xavier. It’s the meet & greet you’ve all been waiting for!
Ariel Bloom: I’m glad you’re having such a great time, Eric. I’m staying off campus. $8K to end up homeless with you assholes because someone in Pupin couldn’t monitor the corn syrup? Have fun, geniuses.
Eric Hamilton: K, Magnito.

Your Events:
South Lawn Campout #2
Saturday, April 30-Friday, May 13
Cost of housing: $8,000. Mutant President: Priceless.
Come kick it with Lee, your tie-wearing metamorphosed Prez!
David Zepeda: Congrats, Eric. Brownstones have vacated as well.