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Dear Bwog: Forging Connections

adonis

Bwog’s been receiving a lot of tips asking for relationship advice, so we’ve put on our red Jeanne Phillips suit to tackle this doozy tonight:

Today was the first day of classes, and with new classes comes seven flights of Hamilton stairs. And new hot men. I entered the lecture hall, and there, like a bronze adonis, he appeared. The bronze adonis thing is stupid, really stupid, because he was actually just a cute guy with a beard. My point still stands; he was hot, and I want to approach him. But Bwog, I actually have no balls. What do I do? How do I go about making him MY beardy, hot man?

Oh, it might be important to note that I am a dude. But he had a hoop in his right ear, so safe to say he won’t have a problem with that? I don’t know. I’m lost and desperately need your help.

Save me, Bwog.

As we see it, there are two possible approaches:

1. This is Columbia, dude. (Bwog doesn’t necessarily think it’s all that important you’re a dude, but appreciates your candor.) Approaching someone directly like a normal human being just isn’t our style.

First, look him up in the directory. Find out his major. Fantasize about having intellectual conversations with him that start after class and continue over glasses of Chardonnay into the wee hours of the morning. It is absolutely imperative you do all of this while never speaking to him or initiating any form of communication.

Next, it’s time for social media. Pen a suitably generic post for Columbia Admirers (“guy in brown shirt eating food in Ferris”) such that he’ll never actually realize it’s about him. Spend hours on his Facebook profile, or gazing at the tiny thumbnail of his locked Twitter feed if that’s more your style. Again, don’t actually speak to him! That would spoil the fun.

Finally, introduce yourself with zero preamble after the last lecture of the semester; plus points for awkward stuttering. Speed walk away as fast as you can, never to see him again. It’s not exactly a relationship, but hey, dating is overrated.

2. Look at your life, look at your choices. Have you even slept with him yet?

Then you’d better hop on that. Err, bronze adonis. Sit next to beard-man in every class. Don’t even pretend to look at the teacher, but rather make full eye contact with him so he has plenty of access into your soul or whatever. Find out your hunky Hektor’s name by peering at one of his quizzes, then draw a labeled picture of you and him holding hands with hearts all around you two. Spitball it piece by piece over to him.

Now that you’ve figured out his name, look him up in the directory. Oh, you found out his mailbox number? Leave suggestions about your favorite type of flowers and your preferred wedding registry in there.

Oh, you followed him after class and found out his suite number in EC? Have one of his suitemates let you in when he’s not there and wait for him on his bed holding a razor to help him trim his majestic facial locks. There’s no way YOUR beardy, hot man won’t be down to his skivvies in no time if you do it with a smile.

Mythological cutie via Wikimedia

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5 Comments

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous CU Admirers is dead! Long live CU Admirers!

  • earring = orientation says:

    @earring = orientation What is this, the 90s?

    Also, I started off thinking tipster was a dude, then read “But Bwog, I actually have no balls.” Thought that was a clever way for tipster to convey their gender. Nope, tipster’s just a castratus.

  • correct says:

    @correct > First, look him up in the directory. Find out his major. Fantasize about having intellectual conversations with him that start after class and continue over glasses of Chardonnay into the wee hours of the morning. It is absolutely imperative you do all of this while never speaking to him or initiating any form of communication.

  • wut18 says:

    @wut18 where is the directory?

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