Such lush, must go here

Such lush, must go here

Days on Campus begins today and we all know what that means: a million lost-looking new faces. Because everyone is out to make a good first impression, we’ve complied tips for both prospies and hosts to create a surefire lasting bond.

Tips for prospies:

  • Talk about how you already know all the clubs you want to be in and how you’ve already planned out your four year schedule. It’ll make your host respect you for having done your research.
  • Hint about how loaded your family is and how you just went skiing in the Alps last weekend and were in Dubai for Christmas break. Maybe they’ll extend an invitation to St. A’s.
  • Bring up a really obscure indie band and how you’re trying this fruit cleanse. Columbia is in New York meaning we all fucking love hipsters.
  • Take forever in the bathroom. We know you’re going to be making all your BFFLs during days on campus so it makes sense to wanna look good (last time Bwog hosted a girl who ended up taking 45 minutes in the bathroom- Bwog ditched her).
  • Friend your host on Facebook. They want to keep up with you and live vicariously through you by seeing your prom and graduation pictures during finals.
  • Complain about how little you sleep. Columbia students respect hard work.
  • Vow that even though you’re planning on taking Econ, you really want to cure cancer/create world peace and refuse to ever sell out.
  • Bring them lots of ramen. College students love ramen.
  • Clean their room. Turn their floordrobe into a wardrobe.

  • Talk extensively about your high school achievements. Maybe they can help you land that scholarship.
  • Call New York “The Big Apple.”
  • Steal a shit ton of those coconut bars for your host from the free food table.
  • Mention that time at model UN when you snuck the single bottle of your parents’ beer into your hotel room, and just how wasted you got.
  • Convince your host that you’re “just about that Carman life.”
  • Do tell about how you’re planning your graduation speech, or about how you don’t care that you won’t be giving one because you never even tried that hard in high school.
  • Ask your host what they got on the SAT/ACT.
  • Stay out at the URC-planned activities until 2 am. You. Bad. Ass.
  • Get so many numbers from all of the pre-frosh you met who you’re going to hang out with at NSOP.
  • Ask about the half-empty flask on their nightstand.
  • Ask them their GPA.
  • Ask them if it’s too early to think about grad school.
  • Carry a copy of The Iliad with you at all times; tell your host that you’re only on Book V, but that you totally know who dies in the end.
  • Spend the night, then commit to Harvard.

Tips for hosts:

  • Use buzzwords like “wellness” and “campus culture” to make it seem like you love Columbia.
  • Throw away the 10 empty cans of red bull by your desk.
  • Don’t mention that midterms are ~still~ going on.
  • Never take them to a dining hall. Take them to restaurants in the neighborhood that take flex and pretend you’re swiping them in.
  • Don’t take them to your normal classes; go audit fun classes instead.
  • Hang out with as diverse and happy a group of people as you can. Time to text that one Samoan friend you have.
  • Throw a party for like 45 of them in your Carman room and get them trashed to show them how fun Columbia can be! #TotallyRepresentativeOfColumbia
  • Leave a single bottle of wine out on your desk because you’re a classy drinker.
  • Talk about how much you love the “community” of Columbia.
  • Tell them all about your cool internship.
  • Tell them about how you’re doing it unpaid because you’re so dedicated (and fail to mention you literally can’t find a paid internship in this city).
  • Mention that you got over 6 hours of sleep last night. Alive and rejuvenated.
  • Swipe them into Ferris for pasta. That will get them committed.
  • Sexile them (This actually happened at Brown. The prospie chose to go to college elsewhere).
  • Tell them that seniors get to live in Low.
  • Mention that Kanye came here as often as possible.
  • Take them into 309 Havemeyer and pretend like that’s the average Columbia classroom.
  • Show them your super legit Maryland fake.
  • Tell them they can take the swim test early if they choose to do so in the Hudson. Offer to join them for a swim.
  • Make up random shit about famous people who went to school here—extra fun if the prospie in question is carrying around a copy of On the Road.
  • Show them that Butler initiation video.
  • Take them on a walk past St. A’s and try to point out the chandelier from the sidewalk.
  • Bring them to a class: Accelerated Physics.
  • Show them Bwog.
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