Soft-core porn, written by a grad and set at Columbia in 1960. What more could you want? Today, Bwog’s porn expert, Busty MacMillions, wraps up her final review of Campus Sex Club. Trigger warning for attempted rape and suicide. Like really, do not read on: shit gets very very rapey in this section.

We are all blessed to not be living in the sixties

Where were we? Ah yes, the virgin of Jeff’s dreams, Carol West, has just drunkenly stumbled into the CAMPUS SEX CLUBHOUSE on the arm of noted philanderer and Speccie Chuck Gordon. Jeff is shocked. He “gawp[s] in openmouthed becrogglement.” I can really see why this writer went on to win a Hugo Award. “Becrogglement.”

Carol is hypnotized, helpless. “She sat there like a puppet temporarily placed at rest. Her eyes were open but she wasn’t seeing us. I was getting to feel very uneasy about this whole business.” Um, ya think? Chuck, of course, has drugged Carol with a date rape drug. He announces, “Miss West and I will demonstrate the Ceremonial Deflowering of Virgins as practiced on the little-known isle of Congatonga!” Okay, so now we’re getting racist, too. Great.

Carol starts peeling her clothes off. Jeff is too mad to enjoy it. Oh wait, she took her bra off, now he’s kind of enjoying it:

Carol had lovely breasts. They were white, and neither too big nor too small. And they were made with almost mathematical perfection, set close together, with full curving bottoms and a high, steep slope. They seemed to stand out from her chest as if supported by wires.

Classic Jeff. What a boobs man. There are literally no asses in this whole book. All about the boobs.

Chuck gets naked too, and Jeff is getting worried. If I were to teach a course on Soft-Core Porn from the 1960s: Double Standards and Social Constructs, I would use the following passage as a prompt for the final essay:

It wasn’t only that Chuck was going to rape her. Girls had lost their virginity before and still managed to retain their mental health. Tomorrow sometime, Carol was going to come out of her fog and find out that she had been had, not just once, but twelve or thirteen times, maybe even more… Carol would never be able to marry, never be able to love, never have the children she no doubt wanted. After having kept herself pure for eighteen or nineteen years, she would regard herself with loathing now…

There are girls who can lose their virginity with no more regrets than if they had lost a pencil or a stick of chewing gum, and there are other girls who are saving themselves for their one special man, whenever he comes along, and when this treasure is taken from them they have nothing else left to stay alive for, and they pass out of life whether literally or just symbolically.

The essay question would be “Please explain why fuck everything about that” and the word count requirement would be a million billion.

Back to the plot. Fred Lambert, wholesome Carol West-chaser,  bursts into the CAMPUS SEX CLUBHOUSE! All hell breaks loose! Helene, the clubhouse’s resident masochist, is loving it but everyone else is just getting beat up! The cops come! “Rutting season in the Ivy League”, one of them says. Everyone involved gets arrested and thrown in jail.

Morning comes and they must face sixties-fictional Deantini. “The Dean is a mild-mannered, gentle man who always has a cheery smile for anyone he meets in the street.” Just like our Deantini! The Dean expels everyone who was accused of sexual assault. Unlike our Deantini.

Long story short, Jeff’s parents disown him, his friends scatter to become nuns or join the army, he gets a minimum wage job and his life sucks. “The chapter in my life called [Columbia] was over, and it hadn’t had a happy ending at all.” Jeff goes into a Bella-from-New-Moon depression for like, a whole week.

Then, he gets a call from Carol. She is living with Marge Halloran (who, if you recall, was the promiscuous girl Jeff joined the CAMPUS SEX CLUB with. Remember? Huge white boobs. I know, I know, that’s literally every girl in this book.) Anyway, PLOT TWIST, Marge is suicidal! Jeff rushes over, but he’s too late. R.I.P. Marge. Your enjoyment of female sexuality was your death sentence.

Jeff and Carol are shocked and crying. Jeff takes this moment to tell Carol he loves her, because it’s clearly a great time. Carol says what the fuck. He starts to leave. Then, she says “No—don’t go.” Jeff spends the night and gets to, like, second base but they don’t have sex because if he did she would not be a virgin anymore, and her purpose in this novel would be gone and she would probably have to jump out a window like Marge.

Months later, Jeff and Carol are going to get married, and then he is going to join the army.  For real. This is the worst book ever. “This isn’t a quickie shack-up job, and it isn’t any sordid campus affair. We’ve both been through a lot and we take both love and sex more seriously…And that’s why I’m waiting. I want everything to be perfect. After all, this time it’s for keeps.”

Wow, true love. So arousing.

How it should have ended:

Jeff gets a call from Carol. “Jeff, it’s Marge. She’s pregnant. And you’re the father!” Carol hangs up.

Marge says to her, “Hahaha, good one, Carol.”

Carol says, “Thank you darling.”

Marge and Carol tenderly make out and have passionate sex for a full chapter. It is revealed that Carol was a lesbian this whole time. The End.

Final rating:

I give this section of Campus Sex Club 0 climaxes out of a possible 2 (sexual and plot). Overall, though, I give it 10/10, because it is still the best soft-core porn novel set at Columbia and written by a grad that I have ever read. If, for some strange, unfortunate reason, you wanted to buy this book and read it yourself, it is available on Amazon.