Our next Senior Wisdom is from Selby Schwartz, professor of U Writing Shelby Swartz, “comfort stall” aficionado. 

Shelby Swartz

Name, Hometown, School, Major: Shelby Swartz, Los Angeles, CA, BC, History

Claim to fame: Apparently there is a professor that teaches U Writing named “Selby Schwartz.” I hear she is incredible. This “senior wisdom whathaveyou” was probably meant to be sent to her email, but I am just gonna write this one off as a happy accident and take my soapbox, if you will, Selbs (Can I call you Selbs?). However, if this really WAS for me, I do improv with Fruit Paunch (Columbia’s OLDEST improv group!) and I teach students how to speak good and do other things good too as a Barnard Speaking Fellow.

Where are you going? To work in marketing and move to Brooklyn because TV told me it’s like Boca Raton for young people. I expect to know my way around a list of craft beers by the end of the summer. But eventually I am going to live and die in LA because Tupac told me to and because the tacos are just so much better and its easier to get to #coachella.

What are 3 things you learned at Columbia and would like to share with the Class of 2018?
In order of importance:

1. Find a stall to call your own: The vast majority of you will be leaving home for the first time in your life. To make the transition easier it is important to find a bathroom on campus that you feel at home in (this is actually critical advice if you ever eat the Fro-Yo at John Jay). Now that I am leaving, I am totally cool with passing down my favorite on-campus stalls—While on Barnard’s campus, the bathroom on LL2 at the Diana. PRO: For some reason nobody is ever there when I am. CON: Spotty internet reception. While on Columbia’s campus: The bathroom on the 7th floor of Dodge. PRO: It is the must luxurious single stall bathroom you will ever find. CON: I think this bathroom is going through gentrification, because more people have been discovering it lately and its not as readily available as it used to be.

2. You are going to have to do a lot of things you don’t want to: I mean, obviously because that’s what life is about. However, in college I have figured out you should try to make the most out of the assignments you really loathe doing. For example, my little game to amuse myself through the tedious stuff is to try to sneak a lyric from a Beatles song in the really dreadful essays, midterms and finals. The most challenging one was during Freshman year when I had to write about 17th century agriculture in Maryland (Thank goodness for Octopus’ garden!). I’m telling you, it’s the little things that will make working hard like playing hard…and your TAs (usually) will appreciate it!

3. Quit: I’m sure you will be reading a lot of senior wisdoms that can be summarized as “do everything and go to everything,” which I completely agree with. That being said, I only agree with it because you can totally quit later. In four years, you will be changing a lot and the things you did a year ago might make you cringe (I’m looking at you, 2011). I think it takes a really strong person to admit to themselves the things that used to work for them/ make them happy just don’t anymore. So as long as stopping something doesn’t completely destroy relationships/sanity, it’s a good idea to put your happiness first and part ways with the things you have committed to that just aren’t worth your valuable time anymore.

“Back in my day…” So when Amigos/Il Cibreo was Campo they served a drink called “The Barnard.” This was probably the sweetest, fruitiest, fizziest most delicious tasting elixir ever concocted in a bar. Now, if you are reading this and thinking “what about ‘The Bitchface’ at Canons? That’s a pretty girly drink!,” let me tell you, “The Barnard” made “The Bitchface” seem like the drink of choice for the Hell’s Angels. I mean there were assorted berries floating in it! Barnard in liquid form was a dream come true for an 18 year old who hadn’t developed a palette for alcohol.

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: The only time I ever participated in a huge lecture class was in Social Psych and Thom Yorke was on a slide as an example of a “stereotypical white male” (idk). The professor asked if anyone knew who it was and I shouted “THOM YORKE,” because I’m pretty sure I was the only person in the class who’s iPhone autocorrects “radio” to “Radiohead”

Write your most memorable note from the field: “‘Yankin’ sounds GREAT in these headphones.”

…honestly, this can also suffice for a “back in my day” answer.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? Well, I am violently lactose intolerant (see “finding your comfort stall” above) but I still eat cheese, milk etc. Thus, I’ve acted far more desperately for cheese than I ever had for oral sex. Alas, it’s time to grow up and put my health first—I’m giving up the cheese.

One thing to do before graduating: If possible, go on a trip away from Columbia with whatever group you are involved in. You’ll remember those much more than you’ll remember information from lectures, no matter what kind of reviews your professor got on CULPA.

Also go to the audience participation hour at Fruit Paunch’s 24 Hour show (and just obviously, go to the 24 Hour show, especially around 4 AM where you will see the funniest not-at-all-funny improv ever). It’s really silly and fun, 2 adjectives that may not necessarily describe most hours in life.

Any regrets? Freshman year I bad-mouthed the Columbia football team accidentally in front of a Columbia football player and he came up to me and said, “you are NEVER allowed at the football frat,” which wasn’t a big deal to me because I didn’t even know there was a football frat. But I’ve seriously felt bad about this incident for four years. If you are reading this, I am sorry. Oh, also I wish I could tell which direction I was facing when I ventured below 14th Street.