“How did I get to this point in my life?”

Columbia’s academic buildings have odd bathroom patterns. Many a time, students must walk several floors to find a bathroom they can use (and want to use). To solve this issue, we sent some magnificent bathroom mappers to survey several buildings’ restroom facilities and present them to you in easy-to-remember poetic form. Gender-neutral bathrooms, and an altogether better system for finding a bathroom, can be found here.

Lerner

If you wanna poo on floor two

go left and use the public loo.

If you’re a gal on three or four

head down the ramp and through the door.

If you’re a guy who needs to pee

walk up the ramps on four and three.

Barnard Hall

If you are having an emergency,

The ground floor washroom is where you should pee.

If you have a little more time,

The fourth floor stalls are simply sublime.

Hamilton

one, three, five

women, find your place to jive

one, three, seven

dudes will find your personal heaven

(in the vein of woooh!!) fuck the gender binary!!!

Havemeyer

Abandon all hope ye who enter here

(unless you’re using the 3rd floor men’s bathroom, but the bathrooms are always weirdly cold anyways). 

Schermerhorn

Schermerhorn is fucked up

because women have to walk up to 8.

Men have it better

(and no scarlet letters)

on 6 or 9.

Sittin’ on tha toilet via Shutterstock