Choose your poison

So, Columbia’s second Quality of Life Survey is out. The subject matter is important – it’s a way for students to have a minuscule voice in the Hobbesian forces of the University of Columbia in the City of New York. But you know what’s even better than handing out statistics to the administration? Doing so while thoroughly buzzed! DISCLAIMER: Please drink responsibly; actually doing this will probably either get you CAVA’d or giving the admins some really weird data.

Take 1 sip when…

• You find any bureaucratic language
• You encounter any fashionable buzzwords
• You are asked to rate some weird aspect of Columbia you’ve never encountered before
• You make a gut judgment for a question
• The survey makes you think back to that time you pulled an all-nighter for a CC paper/both printers malfunctioned/you actually used the showers in McBain
• You rate your quality of life for something as “Very dissatisfied”

Take 2 sips when…

• You are asked to evaluate something admins have no power over
• You spend more than 30 seconds deliberating over a question
• You write more than a paragraph of comments on an aspect of your quality of life (take another if it’s about printing)
• A survey question is ambiguously worded
• You rate your quality of life for something as “Very satisfied”

Take 3 sips when…

• You find a typo
• You find a factual error in the survey
• You write in all caps to express your frustration about something (take another if it’s about printing)
• You have trouble evaluating Columbia’s wifi because of Columbia’s wifi
• You finish the survey