Marvin the Mountain Goat

And we’re back with your favorite weekly out-of-reality check! Destroy your life and look damn good doing it with our features editor Tatini Mal-Sarkar! This week, an atypical solution to a typical problem: the soph slump.

Hi Tats,

My life is just no good right now. I’m alright, but I’m not eliciting the same happiness and satisfaction that I remember in high school and earlier. I’m a sophomore now, and I’m having trouble connecting with people, enjoying myself, and feeling good. How can I change my life for the better? I don’t know if I need anything radical, but I know something needs to change.

Sophomore Slump v. The World

Dear Sophomore Slump,

My my, that is quite a pickle you’re in. It seems to my rather perceptive self that you’re in a bit of a slump – but it doesn’t have to be that way! Like Pete Wentz, make it the comeback of the year! How, you ask? Why, the answer is simple: OMG – Operation Mountain Goat.

Think of it this way – you’re lacking company, feeling a little lonely and unsatisfied maybe. Some might suggest rethinking your major, or maybe joining some new clubs, or learning to cook or knit or whatever. But fie, say I! Majors and clubs and hobbies are really just ways of redefining yourself and finding a new future, and that’s exactly the sort of radical change you’ve expressly said you’re not interested in! And what’s more, why the hell would you want to actually have a future? In fact, best-case scenario of OMG, we get you kicked out and you can have fun all day, every day! Glory be!

The answer, it’s clear, is a mountain goat. What could possibly make you feel better and more independent than carrying for another being? Mountain goats are known for their friendly rapport and excellent interpersonal skills. Let me say from personal experience, those ebony black horns can feel so comforting as they wipe tears and snot off your rather beakish nose. And their 3’ frame is just perfect for cuddling on cold February nights – who says you don’t have any Valentine’s Day plans?!

And even better, who doesn’t want to be known as the kid with a pet mountain goat? I know I do! Having a mountain goat will show you’re easygoing, low-key, and always down for a good time! You’ll be a hot commodity come housing – if you can live with a mountain goat, you can live with pretty much anyone, right?

Marvin might be a little difficult to sneak past the security guard in McBain, but it can’t possibly be harder than getting your roommate back in after Saturday night NSOP week. Sure, some people might view his tendency to headbutt as “aggressive” and “sociopathic,” but you know better. He’s just frolicking in the only way he knows how! It’s quite touching, really.

And quite possibly the best part – who could refuse a hand-knit mountain goat wool sweater? For me personally, it’s been on my Christmas list for years. Yeah, their proclivity for dominance and tendency for violence have made the only known mountain goat wool collectors the pre-Columbian indigenous people of the Pacific Northwest, but that’s clearly just bad PR.

At the end of the day, listen, if a band John Green likes is named after them, they have to be a good time, right? Maybe only get one if you’re a white guy with a bit of a Big Bang Theory complex though – don’t want to threaten its ego with your non-easily categorized gender/race/class identity.

Who could say no to that face? via Shutterstock