Use this tactic on gentlemen only

We get it–maybe you first fell for your prospie when you saw him carrying an ugly armchair you found on the street up four flights of stairs to your room, or maybe it was when you looked into her big blue eyes over fries at JJ’s. Though Days on Campus is over for the semester, check out these tips for seducing new students on campus (perhaps to be used during NSOP).

Dear Bwog,

Help, the prospie I’m hosting is super attractive! How do I get them out of their sleeping bag and into bed?

Crushing on Pre-frosh

Dear Crushing,

The good news is, prospies are people too! This means that you can seduce them with similar methods to your usual awkward one-night stands. First, a couple of warnings:

• Know your age of consent. Unless you’re taking your prospie in a whirlwind tour of the entire world (or, as Deantini would call it, “Columbia’s global campus”), you’re probably operating within New York state laws. Most prospies are above 17, which makes it legal but still creepy. If they’re 15 or 16, you’re fine as long as you’re 21 or younger, which is unfortunately still legal.
• Know your consent. Use this as an opportunity to show your prospie how great Columbia’s consent education is! As always, constant communication is key. While not explicitly required, we recommend asking your prospie for permission to seduce them. Alternatively, paint SVR’s stoplight metaphor on your chest to help the prospie get hands-on experience.

Now, Momma Bwog always has commenters at her feet, so we haven’t had to use any of our additional seduction tips in a while. Our charmed life has led us to forget many of our favorite romantic techniques. Thankfully, the internet is full of bad advice on attracting that person of your dreams. Unfortunately, most of them are prohibitively specific:

• If she’s a hot woman: Get your confidence up, dress nice, and “remember that most women have a different sense of humor than most men.” The writer of this guide took pictures of himself for it, and he is very clearly 12 years old. But remember, these are tips for hot women only! Do not try them on others.
• If he’s a rebel: Try to get to know him for real, because “he probably doesn’t have that many people in his life.” Woah, I though he was a rebel, not a loser. The two adolescents who took pictures from their guide clearly don’t know what a rebel is or looks like. Mostly, you just have to hope. “Maybe you share an interest? Or always found that interesting? Or you don’t have a clue about it?” You tell me, Mr. and Mrs. Writer.
• If he’s a gentleman: Okay, wait, this guide also has pictures of middle schoolers. I’m starting to feel really weird. Really, the opening tip here is the best one. “Do not just go out to the man you like and ask him to be friends. If the man you like seems sad and lonely walk up to him and ask what’s the matter. Depending on the problem say I feel so sorry for you.”
• If she’s an Asian woman: Oohhhhhh, no, WikiHow. There’s no way this ends well. “Making sweeping generalizations about people based on race isn’t likely to get you very far,” warns the guide. Well maybe you shouldn’t have named the article, “How To Attract Asian Women.” At least this one doesn’t have pictures of small children.
• If you’re lazy as hell: Someone thought it was a good idea to make, “How to Attract Her Without Words.” If you like your prospie, but not enough to actually talk to them, you can still do something! Notice them, look her in the eyes when they’re talking, and listen to them, and they’ll be hopelessly attracted to you in seconds! Based on this guide, everyone at Bwog has probably seduced each other by this point.

Hopefully, some of these help. But if he’s not a rebel or a gentlemen, she’s not hot or Asian, or you’re not a disgustingly lazy person, there’s still hope yet. Here are our final, prospie-specific tips. Best of luck in your prospie seducing!

• Swipe them into JJ’s to show your wealth and classy food selections.
• Show them your massive collection of free Columbia merch. Prospies are easily swayed by t-shirts and water bottles.
• Convince them that you’re Alma Mater and get them to try to find the owl in your skirt.
• Do not allow them to sign out of your dorm (Barnard only). They will eventually develop Stockholm Syndrome.

XOXO,

Momma Bwog

Precocious via Wikihow