“I have as many degrees as I do visible teeth”

Bwog is thankful for many things. Our late night spontaneity. Our really photogenic staff members. Our VIP seats at V-Show. The latter might be our biggest win yet, for our elite seating got us within spitting distance of not just the actors — but Suzanne Goldberg herself.

The woman of the hour, distinguishable by her trendy Anne Hathaway- inspired bob, sat in front of us during V121’s opening night on Friday. We doubled over in the presence of such true stardom, and held in potentially boisterous laughter when the script presented her in humorously distasteful light.

Our fangirling paid off, for our very own Joe Milholland snagged a quick word with Executive Vice President Goldberg. His face-to-face dialogue with her lasted only seconds longer than the time it takes to say her full title.

Joe: I was just wondering what you thought of your role in the play.

Goldberg: I never knew I could sing so well – and dance too.

J: What would you want added to your actual title?

G: Czarina. That’s a joke.

J: Have you ever been to Bernheim & Schwartz?

G: I’ve walked by it a lot of times, maybe that counts for being there.

J: Do you know Scott Helfrich?

G: No, sorry, unfortunately not. Let me put it this way: I feel like I know him. Actually, we may have met.

J: The play is about how everyday concerns of students aren’t really addressed by administration. Do you plan on doing anything about that?

G: I think that’s why I’m here.

J: Do you have a spirit animal?

G: I’d have to give that one more thought. I’m sure I do, I just need to uncover my inner spirit animal.

This interview has been edited slightly for clarity.

Feel free to suggest spirit animal options for Goldberg in the comments. The reward will be her over-sized Columbia ID card. Because size matters.