The good old days are long gone.

Eschewing the celebration of Halloween. It might be an unpopular opinion, but it’s an important one (arguably, even, the moral one). Bwog staffer Phoebe Newton bravely faces capitalism and the masses to stand up for what she believes in–what is truly right–the eradication of Halloween.

Of course I hate Halloween. I can understand the overwhelming affection for this holiday, sure. In a previous lifetime, I too had a pumpkin-shaped place for it in my heart. But alas, this holiday has grown into something I no longer recognize. When the students around me gossip about what witty and suggestive costumes they might piece together on a tight budget, I turn away in scorn. When ResLife offers me a free pumpkin to carve, I storm off in disgust. When my roommate purchases pumpkin-themed groceries, I throw them to the ground in a fit of rage, unwilling to allow their presence in my mini-fridge.

You see, the Halloween of today is the product of a bygone era. Gone are the days of watching classic Disney movies while you sort and trade candy with friends. Gone are the days of homemade costumes. Gone are the late-night pranks where you TP your neighbor’s house (even though they know it’s you, because let’s face it, you do this every year). Where has the true spirit of Halloween gone?

Well, let me tell you. It has marched down the street to Spirit Halloween, to rot in a pile of consumer capitalism. That’s right, when you buy your sexy pizza rat costume and over-priced decorations, you are contributing to a horrible injustice. So no, I don’t like Halloween. While you go out and invest in a corrupt system, I will look down from my window in contempt, enrobed in my 100% organic, handmade costume, simultaneously sipping a latte. No, not a lowfat-soymilk-pumpkin spice latte (the Starbucks on 114th street is always out of those anyway). A real latte. Homemade, and piping hot. I am the true representation of Halloween, the 1% that can be neither silenced nor ignored.

Trick-or-treat via Shutterstock