The “debris of decaying souls” (overseen outside Butcafe)

We thought we were done. We thought we’d escaped the hellhole of Columbia for a week and returned, ready to face the rest of the semester head-on. But alas, too soon after our arrival, new demons attacked with a vengeance: we’ve got midterms next week. Why, Columbia, is it always midterms? Why?

Midterms? What Midterms?

• Ate a sandwich (from Hamdel) that has the same name as I do.
• Found out I’m (significantly) in the Tinder pic of some random bandie
• Stole a bunch of silverware from John Jay
• Cat sat for $50 per half hour on the upper east side
• Got my ID-less friend into the heights by pretending she’d forgotten her ID in EC, “where we live.” She was then asked for her school ID, showed him her Barnard quad ID, and got in with no questions asked.
• Went to Stonewall Inn Saturday night (my first visit to a bar in the US) and the bouncer spent 5 full mins testing at our fakes before he let us in
• Went to a party in EC thrown by the AASS (atheist and agnostic student society) and it exceeded expectations.
• Then: Played Christ pong (cups arranged in a cross) and won
• Went to a Christ-themed party where I had a hot cocoa flavored potsicle.
• Skipped Friday Spanish to go walk to Madison Square Garden for amazing vegan burgers and donuts
• Saw via snapchat that my fave vlogger was on a rowboat in Central Park, proceeded to drag my sister there for a stake out
• My Saturday involved trekking down to an indie movie theatre for a 35mm screening of Carol (2015) dir. Todd Haynes, becoming one with the audience that gasped every time Rooney Mara said ANYTHING, and blurting out an embarrassingly in-depth analysis of color symbolism to Haynes himself. The costume designer cupped my cheek, asked me how old I was, and looked at me like I was her own child. On the plus side, I wasn’t as bad as the girl who whipped out 2 life-sized plush dolls of the actors and whispered “from Tumblr” into the mic before literally sprinting away
• Had brunch 3 days in a row. Someone else paid all three days.
• Went to Cubby Hole’s and then Stonewall Inn. Reminisced to the first (and only other) time I’d been to Cubby Hole’s, when I was a 17 year-old high school senior and lied to some women that I was a Barnard student. Now I am one! Made it.
• Went to time square and yelled profanities at cat callers
• Babysitting family tipped me in two boxes of Girl Scout cookies
• Found out a friend who I gave a fuck Spec sticker put it on the wall in the Beta House, which means it will be there literally for generations to come. Felt proud.

Nothing Could Be Worse Than Midterms Round One:

• Spotted a girl crying on college walk wearing only one high heel
• Got into Mel’s for the first fucking time. Was immediately disappointed.
• Saw potential evidence of a patient escaping from the hospital
• Was about twelve Hebrew terms into a job interview by the time I realized it was a Jewish heritage organization seeking Jewish interns. However I’m not Jewish.
• Waited in line an hour and a half for 10 Below. Didn’t do any of my homework.
• Went to the East Village and had to buy socks at a 99 cent store because my feet were freezing in sandals…was interrogated about my ethnicity at the store.
• Realized that when I’m high I don’t act less awkward, I just fail to notice that I’m being awkward.
• Did coke at 9 pm; it wore off; got crossed; went to ADP; left after a solid hour of sitting on a leather chair smoking, eating chips, and taking selfies; judged my friends who were at the Carly Rae Jepsen concert; ended the night at MoWill incredibly high and bought a $10 tub of cookie dough.
• Related: Woke up the next morning with half a tub of cookie dough in my fridge, feeling embarrassed about my choices. Posted the cookie dough on Buy Sell Trade for free; it was gone from my life in 10 minutes.
• Attended the Athiest and Agnostic Society party and drank fireball pretending I was in hell (based on the misogynistic white boy I argued with, I probably was)
• Reached peak quality of life after sleeping with someone in a dingle
• Was obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk at JJ’s Place and spoke an obnoxious and embarrassing combination of Spanish and my parents’ native tongue w friends to make our gossip less obvious, making it more obvious in the process.
• Went to see Kinky Boots after buying tickets through Barnard-we were in the very last row
• Fairly sure I depleted all the serotonin in my body
• My friend tried to go to the bathroom at McD but as soon as she entered a guy said to her: ‘Rule number 1: If the door to the women’s is locked, that usually means someone is overdosing in there.’
• Spilled both milk and coffee separately on myself very publicly over the course of a single Ferris lunch, ultimately walked home extremely damp
• Walk-of-shamed down Broadway on Easter morning covered in glitter. Passed an Easter service as it was getting out.
• Was asked if I was getting married in the subway as I asked where to get food
• Woke up with a bruised leg and took a while to remember that I had climbed out of a window the night before.
• Bought a rug made of faux polar bear pubes and that’s it that’s literally all I did this weekend

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