ConspiracyBwog is here to unpack Goosegate.
What We Know
In the late hours of the night on February 2nd, 2018, Kappa Delta Rho, henceforth referred to as KDR, threw a soiree of sorts at 548 W 114th St. Liquor flowed plentifully and music shook the banisters. Having attended myself, I can attest that ample coat hooks were NOT provided. An indiscriminate pile of downy Michael Kors, North Faces, and Canada Geese began to form to the side of the entryway. At approximately 1:33 am, lights were switched on and chaos ensued as people grabbed coats and were herded like sheep through the entryway.
The following morning, February 2nd, 2018, reports were issued that various coats had disappeared, presumably of the Canada Goose variety. Facebook commenters immediately jumped to the conclusion that the coats had been stolen, perhaps by one specific culprit. Such coats are valued at a whopping $925, prompting Bwog to question: perhaps these coat disappearances can’t be chalked up to a simple misunderstanding. Is KDR a front for Morningside Heights’ underground Canada Goose black market?
What We Don’t Know
Does KDR = Kanada goose Down jacket Robbers?
Where are the jackets going? Who took them? Was this a one-student job or is there an insurgent force of Canada Geese hunters and huntresses? Of course, this could also this be superhuman, a Hand of God stealing from the bourgeoisie and redistributing the Canada Geese into the wild.
What We Think We Know
KDR is most notable for being the basketball/general sports frat, but not notable for being good basketball/general sports players. Thereby, these brothers need a more common union between them other than being players and have turned to Canada Goose-robbing. In an effort to distract us all from realizing that the average height in the frat has decreased considerably and to maintain the illusion of being good athletes (personally, I’ve never understood sports but they are no Camille Zimmerman), KDR throws elaborate parties for our attention and then robs us blind. In this Gatsby-esque tale, there is no metaphorical green light denouement – just us, left out in the cold.
A frat is the prime front for this scheme. There are always party-goers and there are always Canada Geese. In fact, just one week earlier, a red jacket had been stolen from Beta. The post in Columbia Free & For Sale reads, “the canada goose patch is fake and upside down, it is worth much less than you think it is.” Could Goosegate extend beyond the reach of KDR? Is Beta involved? What frats are our coats safe at? Who can we trust?
Bwog will continue to investigate this phenomenon, but for now cling tight to your winter coats, and your loved ones. If you have information about where the Geese are going, tell us at firstname.lastname@example.org
Photo via Berthina Fjelstad on Flickr