This writer asked to remain anonymous for fear of retribution for scamming the system. Use the following information wisely.

You, reading this article intently.

Last Sunday, during ConcussionPalooza 2019, I was in conversation with some people on my floor whilst downing a bag of Doritos Flamin’ Hot in what I assume was record time. During said conversation, my friend mentioned that she had a cute RA (research assistant, sorry unnamed floor RA) and was going to make efforts to date him. She mentioned another guy, too. but she didn’t think much of him, save for that he had a Chegg subscription. (For what it’s worth, she should’ve submitted to Bwog Personals. Alas, too late now.)

“So you’d be willing to date this guy for the chance of getting his Chegg login?” I asked. She didn’t say yes, but she didn’t say no, either.

I was in shock. But after I pitched the conversation to Bwog staff and they more or less said “Ok whatever go ahead and write this but no one cares about dating talk about fucking instead,” I had an epiphany. This could be the most significant step my friend takes in her Columbia College Journey. Allow me to explain. Columbia College has thirteen of what’s known as its “Core Competencies,” a gauge of sorts for its students to track their personal and academic development over the next four years – a “Columbia College Journey,” if you will. And you should. Because that’s the name of the program. Reflecting on a few of these Competencies, I hope you’ll realize – as I have – just how many can be fulfilled by Fucking for Chegg™.

Civic and Individual Responsibility: “How might you imagine having an impact on your own communities?”

You have a responsibility, I believe, to be a good friend to those in your friend groups/communities, you social butterfly, you. You ought to be a shoulder for them to lean on, or stand on, or whatever else you do on a giant’s shoulders that involves some kind of grounded stability. I argue that it would be a massive display of personal responsibility to “take one for the team,” as it may be, and provide said friend groups with the login info for the Chegg account you’re getting.

Oral Communication

Uh, this one is actually really simple? At some point you will need to orally communicate to your Significant Lover that you’re only in this for the Chegg Study subscription, and that if you really wanted to pay for Chegg Tutors, otherwise known as fifteen dollars a week for thirty measly minutes of absolutely worthless tutoring, you’d have already found a way to skirt New York’s prostitution laws?

Community Engagement and Inclusion: “Where can you engage with others to better understand perspectives that may be different from your own?”

Hm. Well, I can think of no better place than your weekly/biweekly/hourly Shegging® sessions – so long as
we make the word “positions” synonymous with “perspectives.”

Research: “What are the most effective strategies for you to access information?”

1.  looking up a question on Google
2. finding the answer on Chegg, and nowhere else
3. refusing to pay either one of them outright to unlock the paywall
4. find some sorry soul who’s actually willing to pay the pied piper
5. Shegging®

Information, accessed.

Knowledge: “What foundation can you build upon to strengthen your fields of study?”

There’s always the possibility that whoever you’ve decided to lean on for Chegg is Very Smart Indeed and may have not only the Chegg subscription, but a Course Hero subscription, as well. Scholar, here is the opportunity. You have the foundation – go and strengthen your fields of study.

Written Communication

Sliiiiiiiide into those DMs late at night and ask why the password isn’t working. Done.

Global Awareness: “How can you build an understanding for different world views and cultures?”

You’ll have noticed that a few times here I’ve referred to this whole practice as Shegging®™ © . What is it? Why, only a portmanteau of the words “Chegg” and “to shag,” a synonym for “fuck” brought to us from across the pond! (Great Britain, indeed.)

Don’t stop there! Take this and make it something more – an opportunity for you to engage with your multicultural peers on the merits of your actions. Perhaps the person you’re doing (this exchange of goods and services with) is a Middle Eastern, South Asian, and African Studies major themselves. Wouldn’t explain why on earth they have a Chegg in the first place, yet – it’s another Competency squarely checked off.

Teamwork and Collaboration

Haven’t I said enough?

And so there you have it, reader: there are few ways better ways to truly advance your Columbia journey than by getting yourself a Chegg sugar daddy. Well, you could also do literally doing anything else, but where’s the fun in that?

This post (not really) sponsored by Slader: Chegg, but without the subscription fee of the Adobe Creative Cloud. For more information on how to sponsor this very-serious research, send money to tips@bwog.com.

Who needs books when you can use Chegg? via Public Domain Pictures