Fun isn’t something one considers when balancing campus journalism. But this… does put a smile on my face.

Columbia is like most universities. Too many publications, not enough readership to go around. And now, when we face extinction, I offer a solution: eliminate half the publications so the others can live.

When I have gathered all four undergraduate schools in Lerner 510, I can simply snap my fingers, and half of the publications will all cease to exist. For me, the time will be 9 PM. But for them, there will be no time at all. I call that mercy. And when I finally rest, I’ll watch the sun rise on a grateful university.

So to those who would oppose me: in time, you will know what it’s like to lose. To feel so desperately that your op-eds are worth saving, yet to fail all the same.

Dread it. Run from it. Destiny still arrives. And when I’m done, half of the campus publications will still exist. Perfectly balanced, as all things should be.

I hope they remember you.

Bwanos via Marvel Studios