Imagine this: you’re at a party, just another typical-Friday-night-my-club-is-throwing-a-“social”-in-a-dorm type party. The host tells you, drinks this way. You arrive at the “drinks” and you see a handle of Smirnoff, a bottle of cranberry juice, and other sorry excuses for drinks and mixers. What do you do?

I am just going to come out and say it. College parties suck. I do not like spending time in East Campus and I do not want to drink your shitty handle of vodka or take shots of tequila that tastes like rubbing alcohol. If I have to drink another cup of Barefoot Pink Moscato, I will literally throw up. But you know what’s worse than drinking shitty alcohol at a college dorm party? Being sober at a college dorm party. That is a dangerous move. You start actually looking around and seeing the Twin XL beds, the stacks of in-class handouts, the string light “decorations”… you realize the sad reality that no, this is not a party, this is at most a gathering in a student dorm. So you’re left with one choice: drink. Here I’ve compiled some tips for how to make a drink out of the shitty mixers and alcohol at a college party:

If you’re trying to get really drunk but you also hate shots/hate alcohol…

Ingredients: vodka, cranberry juice, orange juice (or pineapple juice)

Instructions: Pour as much vodka as you like (literally half a cup if you really want), then pour cranberry juice and orange juice/pineapple juice in a 1:1 ratio until the cup is full.

This is the perfect drink to make if your pretty sober friend asks you to make them a drink or if you’re trying to get really drunk without tasting the shitty alcohol you’re working with. This recipe is literally magic– you can’t taste the vodka and the drink ends up being a delicious fruit punch. You can literally pour half a cup of vodka, and it’ll still taste pretty good.

If you have an appreciation for classic cocktails but you really don’t have much to work with…

Ingredients: vodka/tequila, ginger ale, a fresh lime/lemon wedge squeeze (if unavailable, substitute with a splash of lemonade)

Instructions: Pour in a shot of vodka or tequila (to pour a shot, start pouring and count 2 seconds), then pour in the ginger ale until 80% full, then squeeze in some lime/lemon or splash in that lemonade

This is a poor man’s Moscow mule/Mexican mule. This is also a good drink to make when your friend finds out you bartend and asks you to make a drink at said college party (??? WITH WHAT MATERIAL???). It’s a legitimate REAL bar drink, this is just the Walmart version. The spiciness/sweetness of the ginger cuts the alcohol nicely alone with the acidity of the lime/lemon. It will taste more strong than the first drink, but still pretty tolerable.

If you really thought the wine was going to be okay but it literally sucks…

Ingredients: white/rosé wine, lemonade/orange juice, soda water (if available)

Instructions: Pour in 3/4 cup of wine, then top it off with lemonade or orange juice and a tiny bit of soda water

I know this sounds really really crazy. You’re probably thinking, “WHO in their right mind would EVER mix wine with JUICE? A CHILD???” But sometimes you have to learn to adapt. When the wine at the party actually tastes like puke, add in a little bit of lemonade (preferred) or orange juice (if you must) and some soda water. With the orange juice, you basically are drinking a mimosa– think about it: wine + bubbles + orange juice. Lemonade makes it a nice wine spritzer.

If you’re feeling a little tropical…

Ingredients: tequila/Malibu, a mixture of all the juices available at the party

Instructions: Pour as much tequila as you’d like then top it off with all of the juices

This is basically the bad version of something you would imagine drinking on a beach in Mexico. Sometimes you get lucky at parties and they have pineapple juice, or a juice mix, or even passionfruit juice. Take. Advantage. Make yourself a nice little beach cocktail with some tequila or Malibu (but only if you must).

If you’re feeling like an adult…

Ingredients: vodka/rum/gin(?!), soda water, lemonade

Instructions: Pour your liquor then finish off with soda water and lemonade

I am of strong belief that sparkling water and “spritzers” are solely for adults who like to pretend they are put together but everyone actually hates the taste. The lemonade is there to make the sparkling water taste slightly better. This drink works well with gin, because it’s essentially a step up from a gin and tonic. Usually, college parties will not have gin, so preferably you could bring your own in a flask, or you can substitute with a lighter rum or vodka.

If you want to feel like a fitness fiend with a twist….

Ingredients: vodka, BLUE GATORADE (preferably)

Instructions: Shot of vodka, fill up with gatorade

If you really do not have time or capacity for bad smells and never ever go to Dodge, but you want to feel kind of athletic right now, you should make this drink. You’re basically filling your body with electrolytes which will make you SO HEALTHY and make you feel like an ATHLETE.. oh wait yes and you are also adding vodka. So I guess forget about the whole health thing, but you can definitely PRETEND to be sporty with this super fun sport drink mix.

If you really like spilling that tea…

Ingredients: any liquor, iced tea, lemonade

Instructions: A lot of liquor, add the tea, maybe some lemonade?

After making this drink, I would recommend you NOT spill it. This is another one of my dirty little secrets: tea masks the taste of alcohol SO well. You can add so much liquor and you literally will not taste it. You can take this drink without the lemonade, but the lemonade adds a little pizazz. A spiked Arnold Palmer, if you will. This also works really well with honey green tea, but if not available, sweet iced tea will work too.

If your party is majorly Asian…

YES! JACKPOT! YOU HAVE SOJU!

SOJU +  LITERALLY ANYTHING WILL WORK! OR JUST DRINK THE SOJU BY ITSELF!!!

Bwog does not condone underage drinking. Please stay safe and drink responsibly. 

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