On a day to day basis, our Bwog email inboxes get bombarded by a lot of spam emails. Just by virtue of the fact that Bwog posts contact information online, this is to be expected. Yet at the same time, I am constantly baffled, amazed – dumbfounded, even – by the sheer absurdity and cold-hearted TENACITY of these spam emails. These spammers are not playing around, y’all. They will follow up five to six times, clog your inbox with broken links and disgustingly-formatted text, and not even shed so much as a tear.

To all the spam emailers: just so we’re on the same page, Bwog does not accept guest posts, collaborations, SEO recommendations, unsolicited advertisements, pay-for-links, etc. etc. That being said, I really do cherish getting some of these emails; they’re like little nuggets of joy that never fail to brighten up my gloomy, monotonous day-to-day routine. Like you truly can’t make this stuff up! Alas, it’s just so ridiculous, I felt that it would be a disservice to the Bwog community to not share a select few of my favorite messages.

First of all, why is literally every sentence in the email taking up a separate line? Michael knows that he can write in paragraphs, right? Secondly, I really appreciate how he starts this email off with the incredibly bold stylistic choice of not capitalizing “I’m,” a contraction with the conventionally capitalized pronoun “I.” Also, what the flying heck is up with this email signature? Why does it repeat his name two times with disparate spellings (Micheal vs. Michael) and two disparate sign-offs (All the Best vs. Best Regards)?

I LOVE how Alyssa here tags on “I hope I’m not bothering you too much,” as if she’s really trying to mitigate her impact here. Like, if you really were worried about bothering others, perhaps stop sending unsolicited emails to email addresses you find online? Ultimately, I think there’s an irreconcilable internal conflict here of personal values, and this dilemma needs to be acknowledged through some serious introspection before Alyssa continues on with her career as a spam email sender.

Only my grandmother has ever called me a “dear,” so I’m gonna be honest, that initially took me aback a little. Again, with the bold stylistic choices – I love how Ellen capitalized “Write” randomly in the middle of the email and then doesn’t even sign her name at the end. The sheer confidence! Truly astounding. Also, what’s wrong with the URL? Why does it look like it caught a literal disease? Hope you have a great rest of your day, Ellen.

To be fair, the reference to New York Times was a nice touch, and I appreciated how it added a sense of legitimacy to this proposal. But I’m also CACKLING at the fact that this fully addressed me as “Chief Editor Zhu.” I don’t think anyone in my entire life has called me that, ever, but honestly, I’m not even that mad about it. In fact, I demand to be addressed like this in the future! I will only respond to “Chief Editor Zhu” from now on, thank you very much.

“Doing good” is a grammatically incorrect phrase, as doing is a verb and good is an adjective applicable primarily to nouns. The correct terminology here would be “doing well.” Ryan, I really think ensuring these granular, but important, details are taken care of will significantly improve both the polish and professionalism of your email. Also, Airtasker seems to be kind of a weird name for this startup company? I understand the “tasker” element of the organization’s title, but what warrants the “Air” part of Airtasker? I have so many questions, but let’s face it, these emails will never provide any of the answers I want and need.