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It’s Time To End Water Bottle Shaming At Columbia

First-year Bwogger Joanna Yu judges you for judging her Hydro Flask

It’s a typical day in an 8 am lecture class. The professor drones on monotonously while you gaze around the room, eager for something else distract your attention. Suddenly, there is a noise that can only be described as if a kitten-sized meteor had just struck a Chinese wind gong. Well, you’re certainly awake now. You might look back at the perpetrator in annoyance, silently judging, and think, what kind of grown-ass person can’t keep their goddamn water bottles upright?

No more. It’s time that we end water bottle shaming at Columbia.

Do you think it’s easy to stay this hydrated? None of you plastic-water-bottle drinkers would understand what it feels like to drink more than a puny sixteen-ounce Poland Spring. Your brain isn’t even operating at full potential with the pathetic amount of water that you drink every day. 

Obviously, plastic water bottles are killing the oceans and the environment, and the levels of BPA are simply horrendous. Metal water bottles, on the other hand, could never leech toxic chemicals into your water, and you are always guaranteed a cold refreshing sip thanks to its vacuum insulation. Plus, you could never personalize your Poland Spring bottle with fun and feisty NSOP and The Office stickers.

Columbia fosters a culture of water bottle shaming. It mocks us as the obnoxious, obsessive VSCO girl stereotypes who are so completely self-absorbed that every “sksksksk, save the turtles” is clearly just a reflection of their desire to be seen as hippie wannabes who carry their water bottles for glowy Instagram clout. But, true water bottle stands must fight against this. The hydro flask/metal water bottle movement existed way before teen influencers, and we must reclaim our right to be seen as people who clearly just have superior water taste.

So, the next time you knock over your hydro flask, take the opportunity to share the moment with your fellow metal water bottle users by having a collective ten-second primal groan in recognition of the suffering your beautiful child has just been through. When you see someone walking around and swinging their bottle, say hi, and ask if they want to discuss the merits of a straw lid cap.

plastic is poison via Bwog Archives

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