Amanda Perez shares the wisest advice of all: take a final drunk before you graduate.

Name, School, Major, Hometown:
Amanda Perez, Columbia College, Psychology (premed student turned sell-out), Miami, FL

Claim to Fame:
I wrote my final for Music Hum on how mayonnaise should be classified as an instrument and she tweeted about it and it became her most liked tweet. Also, my RA freshman year started Columbia Buy Sell Memes and I was one of the first people added so I was an avid contributor until I got very annoyed by post notifications and abdicated from my Meme Queen throne. I also used to send out emails to select individuals filled with memes (Mememails) from a meme corporation titled Memes Incorporated. You’ve definitely seen me being carried from place to place on nights out—walking is overrated. And, if you’ve heard of me from being involved in Greek life, I am so sorry to inform you that I’m not actually Satan incarnated.

Although I have persuaded a lot of people to have fun when they should be working, so maybe I am in that sense.

Where are you going?
From my bedroom to my kitchen until further notice

What are 3 things you learned at Columbia and would like to share with the Class of 2024?
1. Not everyone is your friend or wants the best for you. I don’t mean to sound pessimistic or
~ edgy ~ but it’s true. A lot of people will try to use you whether it be for social climbing, access to your friends, or access to the inside of your pants. Columbia kids have this fascinating ability to cover up their true intentions through emotional manipulation under the façade of “friendship” and then blame you for feeling hurt about what they did. That’s not how emotions or friendship work and you don’t need me to tell you that. Friends don’t use friends.

2. You will eventually find the people that actually care about you and have your best interests at heart. They will come from the most unlikely of places like a silly groupchat started for the early admitted students for the class of 2020 in December 2016 that you have somehow managed to stay friends with to this day. Or maybe you’ll reach out to them on twitter in the summer of 2017 and run into them in the street on their birthday and you will both drunkenly decide to never leave each other’s sides. And maybe this person will have a roommate who, try as they might to not get sucked into the chaotic frat soap opera that is your life, end up giving in and getting stuck to you like glue. Then maybe they both will live across the hall from two of the nicest frat boys you will ever met and you will accidentally spend the rest of your college career with that fraternity. Maybe they’ll be your senior year neighbors or a guy who pretended to be your boyfriend to get away from creepy men trying to take you home at 1020 or the girls track and cross country team because your freshman year roommate was a doll and had her teammates check on you all the time because you never slept. Regardless, you will find your people, just not always in the ways you expect.

3. The only way to get through the sophomore slump is to spend the entire year blackout. I said what I said.

“Back in my day…”
Amigos still existed and I could drink entire fishbowls for free any night of the week. Carman was a dump and the ceiling tiles were always broken. The upperclassmen when I was a first-year were the nicest and coolest people; we did not live up to their hype. So it is your job as underclassmen to do better.

Favorite Columbia controversy?
When Martin Shkreli joined Columbia Buy Sell Memes. That was hilarious and the aftermath was even funnier #iykyk

What was your favorite class at Columbia?
I have to say Music Humanities with Paula Harper because she did not fail me when I wrote my final as “Mayonnaise IS an Instrument,” as she totally could have taken it as an insult to academia even though I did not mean for it to be. Luckily she also enjoys meme culture. Aside from that, I would say Contemporary Biology Lab taught by Dr. Claire Hazen. She may speak barely above a whisper but if you pay enough attention and listen closely enough you will be in awe of the plethora of information she holds in her head. Plus in what other class can you dissect pigs to learn anatomy? The History of the Modern Middle East with Rashid Khalidi is also an incredibly informative course. Khalidi is an outstanding lecturer and one of the foremost experts in his field. His course is a lot of work, but definitely worth the enriching experience if you have the time to take it.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese?
Oral sex—most guys are bad at it anyway.

Whom would you like to thank?
I would like to thank all my friends who kept me sane and alive throughout college. I would also like to thank Angie D Carrillo for being the best advisor and letting me cry in her office multiple times and Professor Svetlana Rosis for starting each seminar by saying, “Good afternoon guys. How is everyone doing? Amanda, have you slept at all this week?”

One thing to do before graduating:
Pull at least one all-nighter with friends “working” or screaming in Butler 403A about how tired you are and how much you hate Columbia to watch the sunrise over the New York skyline and then get Ferris breakfast as soon as it opens and sit amongst the athletes with normal sleep schedules who look fresh-faced and put together while you look like you just got hit by a bus. It is a truly humbling experience. Also, take at least one final drunk.

Any regrets?
None. I wouldn’t be where I am today without the mistakes I made along the way. Maybe I would have stood up for myself more, told more people off, or maybe revealed more incriminating information against men with girlfriends lurking in my DMs but probably for the best that I didn’t.

photo via Amanda