The year was 2017. Bwog had decided to revisit our seminal 95 theses post for the 500th anniversary of Martin Luther’s seminal shitpost. We thought we had at least another 500 years before we had to do this again. Then the ‘Rona happened, and since it’s been 500 years in quarantime, we give you the 95 theses: re-revisited. 

1. No Homo…Well, Maybe A Little: An Exploration of Homoeroticism In Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein
2. Single Helix: Comparing the Structure of RNA and the Ferris Staircase
3. Essays on the Usage of the Sad Cowboy Emoji in Public Discourse
4. U Mad Bro: A Linguistic Analysis of Columbia Confessions
5. Fellas, is it Gay to Experience Time? Masculinity, Queerness, and the Prison of Linear Temporality
6. As I Shrink And Turn Into a Corn Cob: On Dril and the Post-Dadaist Masters of the Crisis Period of the Early 21st Century
7. Low Beach: The Conceptual Intersection of the Academy and the Panopticon
8. Live Más, Spend Más: Rising Prices in the Modern Fast Food Industry
9. Seriously, Take Out the Trash: A Survey of Microbes Commonly Found in the American Kitchen
10. Your Cat Doesn’t Love You
11. Genetic Drift, Shift, and Shit: Bacterial Conjugation in Animal Waste
12. The Double HE-lix: The Role of Sexism in Early Genetic Discoveries
13. Ether? I Hardly Know Her!
14. Markovnikov Conversion of an Alkene to an Alcohol (Not the Fun Kind)
15. You Know Nothing, John Snow: Continued Cholera Persistence from Resistance to Public Health Measures in Victorian London
16. Hitting It From the Back: Efficacy of Nucleophilic Backside Attacks in the SN2 Organic Reaction Mechanism
17. Oh, Worm? Impact of Annelids on Forest Ecosystems
18. Cornell Is A Fake Ivy: Elitism in College Mememaking
19.  Fruit and Feminism: A Feminist Critique of Doja Cat
20. Hair in the 21st Century: Notes on Joe Exotic, Carole Baskin, and Doc Antle
21. Pitbull and Globalization: Mr. Worldwide is More Than Just a Nickname
22. Bitch I’m a Cow: How Cow Print and Cowboy Boots Have Redefined Fashion
23. Slave Labor and Child Abuse: A Look Into Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory
24. Zoom as the Panopticon: Postmodern Tales in a Post in Person World
25. Dinosaurs are Dinomite: The Explosive Potential of the Creatures of the Paleolithic Era if They Had Bombs
26. Excavations of the Unknown: A Deep Exploration of Belly Button Lint
27. Charlie Bit my Finger: Children and Early Formed Conceptions of Cannibalism
28. Prezbo and Prezbei: Where is Prezbau?
29. JJ’s: A Microcosm for American Food Culture
30. Grocery Store Yeast, Hair Dye, and Coloring Book Sales as a Predictor of Human Stability: A Thorough Data Analysis
31. Crunching the Numbers: What do Numbers Taste Like?
32. Second Floor Ground Floor: A Study in the Uselessness of Numbers as Seen Through Columbia Buildings
33. The Fault, Dear Brutus, Lies not in our Stars, but in the Lack of Habitable Planets Around Them
34. I Refuse to Return to a Hieroglyphic Written Language: The New Rejection of Emoji in Modern Communication
35. “This is Very Tragic. Siri, Please Play Despacito”: Notes on Appropriating the Millennial Lexicon
36. I Simply Do Not Vibe With The Reds (Nuh-uh): Tracing the Rise of Fascism through the Austrian and Spanish Civil Wars
37.  Dance Dance Revolution: Soviet Queer Aesthetics and the Red Army Choir
38. I Just Want To Cuttle: Examining the Impact of Industrial Pollution on S. pharaonis Group Social Dynamics Near Suez
39. It Was a Cultural Reset: Twitter’s Influence on Political Humor from an An Anthropological Perspective
40. Fear The Postmodern Womb: The Giant Baby, X Æ A-12, and the Rise of Climate Anti-Natalism
41. Enver-getic: Rediscovering Hoxha’s Particle Colliders in Post-Communist Albania
42. Ariana Grande and Neil Armstrong: Vestiges of NASA’s Presence in Modern Popular Culture
43. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close: Ethnographic Fieldnotes from a Frat Basement
44. No Punches Left To Roll With: Media Exhaustion and Tik Tok
45. Smol Bean: Dwarfism in the Soy Yields of the Central US
46. The Gods Must Be Counterrevolutionaries: A Stalinist-Posadist Analysis of the Pentagon UFO Videos
47. Feasibility of Hamster Wheels as a Renewable Energy Source
48. Design Capstone: Using Artificial Intelligence to Pick the Most-Likable Instagram Caption
49. Undergraduate Serfs: An Exploration of the Feudal Structure of Universities
50. Beyond Marx: The Cultural Practice of Using Socialist Rhetoric In Discourse Without Reading a Single Page of Theory
51. Praise The Sun: Reevaluating the Impact of Ritual Human Sacrifice on the El Niño-Southern Oscillation and American Corn Harvest Yields
52. “Hey Macklemore, Can We Go Thrift Shopping?” The Resurgence of Secondhand Shopping in Modern Fashion
53. The Real Red Scare: Evolution of Period Products in the Cold War Era
54. I Have Very Solid Evidence that Every Transformer Is Gay
55. Be the Cowboy: Diversification and Resurgence of Western Film Tropes
56. Driver, Roll Up the Partition Please: On the Erection of the Great Wall of China
57. Now More Than Ever, in these Unprecedented Times: Tracking Linguistic Trends amid COVID-19
58. What Happened to Motivation: Examining the Pass/Fail and Online Class Duality of Spring Semester ’20
59. Are You There God? It’s Still Me: An Existential Argument for Why God Will Never Answer
60. Be Still, My Beating Heart: The Technological and Cultural Progression of Prescription Stimulants from the Luftwaffe to the Modern University
61. The Zoom Boom in the Classroom: Do Minds Bloom or Vroom?
62. Aw, Baby, Naw, Baby…You Got Me All Wrong, Baby: Forms of Miscommunication in the Modern Age
63. We Irritating! Recognizing Genetic Influence in Sensitivity to Common Rashes
64. Socialism With Sesame Characteristics: Marxist-Leninist-Kermitist Critiques of Capitalism in Muppet Treasure Island
65. Fuck Bitches, Get Money: Analyzing the Rise of Illegal Puppy Breeding in Middle America
66. Sksksksksksksksk: The Sexism Behind the VSCO Girl Stereotype and the Linguistics of Keysmashing in Modern America
67. I Think She Needs Some Milk: Calcium Deficiency of Newborn Children and the Rise of the Vegan Diet
68. I Love You, Now Die: Elite Application of Postmodernism to Public Health in the 2020s
69. It Be Like That Sometimes: A Study into the Culture of Indifference in Generation Z
70. Screaming Into the Void: The Psychological Principles Underlying Wild Columbia Confessions
71. Panopticon, Post-Discursive Practices, and Marxism: How Columbia Students Use Academic Terms Without Knowing Their Actual Meanings to Sound Impressive
72. A Deal With the Devil: An Ethical Analysis of Working for Goldman Sachs After Graduation
73. I Think It’s Neat That They’re Both Women: Studying Exclusively-Female Forms of Intimacy in Western Cinema
74. One China, Two China, Red China, Blue China: Fading American Hegemony in East Asia and the Problem of Taiwan
75. Take Me Out To The Ballgame: A Study on American Imperialism and Baseball
76. Kiss Me Thru The Phone: Sexual Relationships and Social Distancing
77. New Kids On The Block: How Neighborhoods Change When College-Age Children Return For Quarantine
78. Bro-Hemian Rhapsody: What Even Are Straight Guys
79. TikTok: Pop Culture from Kesha to the Renegade
80. Headphones In, World Out: A Goffmanian Perspective On Interaction Rituals in the Ferris Pasta Line
81. Take Me to Perth: Understanding the British Settler Revolution through the Australian Colony’s Perspective
82. From X Æ A-12 to Kviiilyn: The New Phonetics of White American Naming Practices
83. Data Analysis of Barnard Students’ Menstrual Cycles: Why is it Correlated to the Moon?
84. The Lion, The Ditch, and The Wardrobe: The Social Phenomenon of Briefly Dating Columbia Athletes Only For The Sweatshirts
85. Rubber Ducky, You’re the One: An Analysis of Fictional Characters and Their Sex Toys
86. Noinky Persoinky: The Linguistic Evolution of Post-Modern Exhaustion
87. 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall: An Analysis of Dorm Decoration With Alcohol Bottles
88. No Thoughts, Head Empty: Nihilism and the Modern Teen
89. Feel Well, Do Well: A Study on Contemporary Aquifer Use and Identity
90. Trialectics: The Third Option
91. Millie the Dancing Bear & Others: Recognizing Patterns of Anthropomorphization in College Animal Mascots
92. Prisons of the Mind: The Psychological Effects of Garnering a Coveted East Campus Sign In
93. “Are You Feeling it Now Mr. Krabs?” – The Uncanny Connections between Crustaceans and Cartoons
94. Unread Emails as a Measure for Mental Stability: Data Analysis and Notes From an Intervention
95. 95 Theses Reused, Recycled, but Not Reduced: A Meta-Study on How Bwog Got Away With Reusing Their Own Idea Again in These “Crazy Times”

Marty Luth via Wikimedia Commons