Staff Writer Camille “Columbia Cookie Connoisseur” Sensiba applies her years of cookie knowledge in order to best recreate those fine free(ish) cookies— chocolate chip, but did that even need to be said?

Skip past my life story to the actual recipe.

It was a cool autumn day, 52°, 30% chance of rain, when I first tried John Jay cookies. I was walking around campus when suddenly, I came upon John Jay. Sure, I had been there before, but on this day, it surprised me so much! I’m not used to seeing buildings! I was feeling particularly courageous that day, so I decided to step inside. Little did I know, other people would also be inside this building! Life is a funny thing sometimes. When you’re in your flirty thirties, you’ll learn to embrace it like me.

Speaking of embracing things, have you checked out our article from last December, Cute Winter Date Ideas For When You Want To Forget Finals Season And Embrace Cuffing Season? I bet you haven’t, silly goose! It’s not really relevant anymore, what with this little old pandemic and all, but I’m going to mention it anyway. Back to my story!

My goldfish had just died and I finally understood what all those college kids were talking about with depression. I had never felt darkness like the one I felt when Gil kicked the oxygen habit. But, like a beacon of light, I stumbled upon the tray of John Jay cookies under the heat lamp. The chocolate chip cookies were right beside oatmeal raisin cookies, which are not at all inferior (use my coupon code to get 90% off of today’s sponsor, raisins!) And guess what? I ate these John Jay cookies, and I haven’t been depressed since!

Oopsies, that’s not a virus on your computer, it’s just a really big pop-up ad! How else could I afford my Caribbean vacations, which were all business write-off? That vacation was so lovely and relaxing. I just can’t believe I couldn’t go to my all-inclusive resort this year. It really has been equally hard on everyone, but especially me. If you, like me, are missing your bottomless piñas by the ocean, I suggest simulating that serene vacay by reading Bwoglines: Cocaine In The Ocean Edition next to your white noise machine. We have to remember to take care of ourselves in these times!

Now, as you all know, my second cousin Herb is a big fan of cookies. Speaking of herbs, if you have some extras lying around, why not try our Turkey Bolognese Sauce? Don’t click off of this article, silly goose, just keep it in mind for the next time you’re throwing a baby shower for your gal pal!

My gal pals all love this cookie recipe. It changed their lives, and you’d better try it too, or else. Tee hee! Have a super sunshiney day, always remember to feed your cattle, and give our Columbia Plants Guide a cheeky little read while you eat these cookies! Also, raisins!

Recipe:

I lied a little, because these cookies are actually better than John Jay cookies. Still, I tried to replicate their crispy edges and caramel flavor by browning butter, which seems like a pain, but it actually makes for a gourmet cookie with a Complex Flavor Profile. Plus, since it’s liquid when you add it in, it’s much faster to stir this dough than one with normal butter. Another point of contention that I anticipate with this recipe is that I really recommend using chopped-up chocolate bars rather than chocolate chips. Depending on the brand, there doesn’t have to be a price difference, and chopped-up chocolate bars give you those big molten pockets of chocolate like the John Jay cookies have. Also, a little science tidbit for you, chocolate chips/chunks have stabilizers added to them, so they don’t melt as well and they pretty much immediately resolidify out of the oven. These are not your average cookie, but if you’re willing to try a new technique, it’ll change the cookie game, which is the only game that matters!

Ingredients:

2 sticks butter

2 cups flour

1 tsp. salt

1 tsp. baking soda

1 cup brown sugar

1/3 cup white sugar

2 eggs

1 tsp. vanilla extract

8 oz. (~200 g) of semisweet chocolate bars, chopped into chunky pieces as big as the tip of my thumb (not yours)

Directions:

1. Start by browning the butter. In a large-ish pot (it foams up!), melt the butter over medium heat until it turns an amber color and starts to smell like caramel. This should take about 10 minutes, but keep an eye on it and stir often so it doesn’t burn! Remove from heat and put into a heatproof bowl to cool, and make sure you get all of those little brown butter solids at the bottom of the pot.
2. Preheat the oven to 375° F. Whisk together the flour, salt, and baking soda with a fork in a big bowl.
3. Now’s a good time to chop up your chocolate, if you haven’t already!
4. Add the brown sugar and white sugar into the brown butter and stir. Then, add in the vanilla extract and the eggs, but make sure the mixture is actually cool so it doesn’t scramble your eggs. Beat this mixture for a couple minutes until it turns into a lighter brown.
5. Add the brown butter mixture into the bowl with the flour mixture and mix until well combined. Add in your chocolate, and then let the dough sit for about 10 minutes so the flour can fully hydrate and the flavors can ~get to know each other~.
6. While the dough is sitting, prepare your baking sheets with parchment paper. Scoop big scoops (like an ice cream scoop, or about 4 tablespoons per ball) onto the trays about 3 inches apart if you like fist-sized cookies like me, or make smaller ones if you’re more reasonable. For the big cookies, bake for about 15-17 minutes, and for smaller ones, 9-12 minutes. Wait for them to cool for a few minutes, if you can. Cookie!

Bougie Emotional Support Cookies Via Camille