Guest Bwogger Phoebe Lu leads you through the phenomenon that is the Columbia Virgin Club Instagram page.

Before Columbia Virgin Club, @ColumbiaUniConfessions was undoubtedly the hottest non-club-affiliated Instagram at Columbia. Yet, despite the LitHum’s best efforts to bombard students with Jesus-loving white men, Columbia students have morphed the confessions page into glorified Tinder. Littered between shout-outs for friends and simply unhinged posts like “Monkey is basically ketchup”, are tens of thousands of proclamations of what LitHum authors would term as “lunatic lust” (Augustine, 97): Confession #3618 exhibits the classic “I’m so lonleyyyy and hornyyyy” , #3612 utilizes shorthand and simply proclaims, “balls”, while #3601 takes a more eloquent approach, demanding to have “non procreative sex” (#3601). 

While those who were cool in high school use confessions as a semi-healthy way to release sexual frustration, all of this left students with less sexual experience/CompSci majors rather isolated. A burgeoning sense of discontent gradually erected amongst the virgins who follow Columbia Confessions. Some even protested on the account: “y’all be like i haven’t had sex in 24 hours boo hoo… some of us are virgins Harold” (#3593). 

In comes @ColumbiaVirginClub, an oasis free from Harold’s sinful desires but full of Frankie Jonas (yes, he follows). Unlike Columbia Confessions’ posts that often lack basic grammatical structure, Columbia Virgin adopts an almost Shakespearean manipulation of diction in their posts. In their first post, they introduce their mission as “working to disseminate the ecstasy of virginity in the Columbia community”. Here, the choice of the verb “disseminate” serves to contrast the lustful term “inseminate”, further displaying Virgin Club’s opposition to sinful desire. 

Slightly contradictory to their message is their choice to follow exactly 69 people (a position in which one engages in sinful desire), one of which being Timothee Chalamet (a great obstacle to clearing one’s mind of sinful desire). However, they combat this potential faux pas through placing Prezbo as the cover of their only Highlight, reminding Columbia students that their scholarly duties must always transcend “non procreative sex”. 

Columbia Virgin Club also offers a platform to notable virgins by placing special emphasis on SEAS students and by encouraging followers to shout-out friends who imbibe the ecstasy of virginity. The only person to have received a shoutout “highly recommends” this experience to friends, as it reminded him of Columbia’s “loving and nurturing community.” As Valentine’s Day looms on the horizon, a Columbia Virgin shout-out could be a great gift to a loved one.

Rapidly growing in its following and having received the support of Frankie, Columbia Virgin Club threatens to eclipse Columbia Confessions as the new student favorite. When asked what they hoped to achieve through this platform, Columbia Virgin simply replied “virginity rox”. Spelling “rocks” with an ‘X’, Columbia Virgin promises to X out the sin from Columbia.

virgins via Wikimedia Commons