Oh, to match with a CU alum on Tinder.

I downloaded Tinder for the first time this weekend. You may be asking: “Where have you been for the past… Forever? I cannot believe that a great gal like you has never graced Tinder!”

Well, I thank you for the compliment. However, Tinder absolutely terrifies me. Why? For starters, straight men are horrible. They are, in fact, my dating-pool, so calling them disgusting won’t bode well for my future Tinder endeavors, so on, and so forth. Blahblahblah. But they truly are gross. You know it, they know it, and I know it. Seeing the words “Straight Man” on every Tinder profile evokes such a negative visceral reaction within me (I throw up in my mouth a little bit when I see it).

But, I digress.

As I was mindlessly swiping left through Tinder at 2 am, my repulsion towards straight men and my innate “pickiness” began to worry me. How can I only be in love with Columbia alumni? I will never find someone if I refuse to swipe right on straight men and continue to be unhealthily attached to long-gone graduates of my university.

This begs the question: what would I do if Tinder was full of Columbia University alumni?

We’ll start with a classic: Greta Gerwig, Barnard Class of ‘06.

I would swipe right for Greta so quickly. I would want to be the Mistress to her America, the Frances to her Ha, the Little to her Women. Would I message her first? Of course. I would say something along the lines of: “I’m little and you’re a woman. Now, all we need is Saorise and we’ll have a party.” I have all the confidence in the world that Greta would giggle at my message and respond with something equally punny and beautiful. Yet, I respect Greta too much to graduate from the occasional silly conversation. Her power is intimidating. I can only love her from afar.

photo of Greta via Bwog Archive

Next up on the chopping block: Jake Gyllenhaal, Columbia College dropout.

Jakey, I wish I could quit you. Here’s how I see this going: I would hesitate to swipe left on him, decide to swipe right simply for the giggles, have a cheeky chat for a day or two, then ghost him so hard he scream-cries “All Too Well” in his car alone, driving 90 mph down a street in his hometown for once. He’s got a pretty face and good sense of humor (and Taylor Swift’s scarf), but how far can that possibly take our relationship? Beyond this, I’m very confident that his profile would feature a photo of him and Taylor taking a gorgeous fall New York stroll (because of course that’s one of his best photos) and that alone would be too intriguing to swipe left.

photo of Jake via Wikimedia Commons

Now, for the man, the myth, the legend: Timothée Chalamet – a Columbia student for one short year.

Timmy is the kind of guy that people whisper about when he walks into the library. Rumors of his notorious heartbreaking spread like wildfire, eventually getting down to the vulnerable, swooning freshman who hate to avoid his dashing looks and irresistible charm. If I was smart, this would be a hard left (“hard” meaning physically difficult and “hard” meaning definitive and assertive). At the end of the day, I know that I would lament ignoring the slight possibility that we would be a match and would swipe right at my own risk.

photo of Timothée via Bwog Archives

We’re taking it back now, y’all, to Zora Neale Hurston, Barnard Class of ‘28.

I imagine that Zora’s Tinder bio would ask her potential matches to send her their favorite novel. This alone, ignoring the fact that it’s freaking Zora Neale Hurston, would prompt me to swipe right and even message her first – again, it’s ZORA NEALE HURSTON. As a lover of her novels, it would be absolutely necessary for me to reference one. For example: “They said their eyes were watching God, but my eyes were watching you” from Their Eyes Were Watching God. She’d probably ghost me within a day, as she would be incredibly busy with her next masterpiece of prose. I would forgive her for this and let our conversation live in my messages for all of eternity.

photo of Hurston via Bwog Archives

Moving on to Martha Stewart, friend of Snoop Doggy Dog, esteemed chef, and graduate of Barnard in ‘62.

I imagine Martha Stewart’s Tinder profile would be spicy. She would display her delicious food and incredible cooking abilities, but with a sprinkle of her “edgy” side (including photos of her with Snoop and contraband selfies from her jail cell). Unfortunately for Martha, I would have to swipe left. Her pictures of food would entice me, but I’d have to follow my mother’s favorite piece of advice: don’t date felons, no matter how nice they are. Sorry, Martha.

photo of Martha via Wikimedia Commons

Another CC dropout is up next: Alicia Keys, otherwise known as the Queen of the Empire State (of Mind).

Honestly, Alicia would be too nice for me. I like people with a little bit of edge to them. And, yes, I do realize that moments ago I said I would swipe left on Martha simply due to her edginess. But I ask you this: are people who are sweet – truly, purely, tooth-rottingly sweet – all that fun? I love sweet people, I do. Sweet people make incredible and loving friends. But would I want to exchange gross pickup lines with them on Tinder? No. I’d be worried that my purposefully atrocious flirting would scare her. Or, she’d be so nice to me that I’d feel guilty about my horribleness. Alicia, I love. Your piano skills are top-notch, but I’d have to swipe left, hon.

photo of Alicia via Wikimedia Commons

You may be asking yourself: how many Columbia alumni can there possibly be? Well, here’s an infamous one: Alexander Hamilton, class of ‘78. Not 1978. 1778.

How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore and a Scotsman, dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot in the Caribbean by providence impoverished in squalor, grow up to be a on Tinder? (had to do that, sorry). Alexander Hamilton, sir, I would swipe left on you. It would feel so good. ObViOUslY, I would recognize Alex from his dashing statue on campus and the literal DORM that’s named after him. He’s cute, sure… According to Lin Manuel Miranda, he was such a player that he married the best of wives and best of women and still had a side-piece. But, the satisfaction I would get from swiping left on this historical icon would be too much to consider swiping right.

photo of Hamilton via Bwog Archives

I’m going to jump a mere 211 years into the future now and consider Neil deGrasse Tyson, CC ‘89.

Good old Neil. Firstly, I would be surprised to see him on Tinder, considering that I consider him a distant teacher of mine, kind of like a Bill Nye, and that I’m quite certain he would consider the Tinder algorithm pretty problematic. For Neil, I would swipe right. I would message him first, before he could absolutely obliterate my intellectual confidence, and ask if I could quiz him on space facts, just to make sure he is who he says he is. We’d have a lovely, week-long conversation and then part ways amicably with the realization that I made a great new friend, but did not find a lover.

photo of Neil via Wikimedia Commons

I have honestly never heard people brag about this next alum, but here goes: Julia Stiles, CC ‘05.

10 Things I Love About Julia Stiles: the movie 10 Things I Hate About You, her endless ‘90s vibe, her hair color, her laugh, her love of Shakespeare, her gorgeous husband (he’s a camera operator), the way she always look like she’s on the verge of tears, Save the Last Dance, but mostly I love the way I don’t hate her. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all (again, I’m sorry, but I had to). From this lovely little list, I think you can deduce that I would swipe right on Julia.

photo of Julia via Wikimedia Commons

I saved the best for last, everyone. Let’s hear a round of applause for Kate McKinnon, who graduated from Columbia in 2006.

Kate McKinnon – hilarious, effervescent, gorgeous, kind, smart, all-around lovely, silly, humble, sweet, energetic. How could I swipe left on her? She’s my favorite alum and one of my favorite cast members on SNL. Also, Kate would be so much fun to talk to on Tinder. She’d come at me with a plethora of jokes and charm, paralyzing me with her never-ending charisma and the crippling crush on her that I would no doubt develop (I say that like I don’t already have a girl crush on her).

photo of Kate via Wikimedia Commons

That’s all I have for you all. I’m going to roll myself up in my blankets and cry myself to sleep until the lonliness doesn’t feel so crushing anymore. (I’m going to cry over some Taylor Swift and Holly Humberstone.)

Tinder home page via Pixaby